Motherhood

October 31, 2018 by themessagemama

A Letter to my 16 Year Old Self

This post has been manifesting itself in my heart since the day I decided to start this blog. It has been evolving, it has been maturing, it has been hiding. The growth I have gone through in the past few months has happened so rapidly and exponentially that this post did as well, and it has finally come out of hiding. My past, the decisions I made, are what have held me back in every area of my life; motherhood, marriage, being a follower of Christ, my work, everything. I have used it as an excuse to halt the growth of the seed that God planted in my heart that has been trying to burst from me for years now.

I hope my girls can read this one day. To understand that their mother was not always the woman they know, but rather was a girl that didn’t know her worth. And they learn from that. They learn that God put them on this earth for a reason and that reason will not be determined by anyone else. They learn that no matter what, Dominic and I will love them. God will love them. That forgiveness is always going to be there. But just as any mom, I hope they do better than me.

Lauren,

Right now you feel as though you know everything, everything except yourself. You hide this fact with false confidence and low cut shirts. Deep down you know it, but it is a realization that won’t come to the surface until you are ready to learn from it. To grow. To do better.

The decisions you are making now, feel like they won’t impact the rest of your life, but they will, in ways you can’t imagine. Good decisions, bad decisions, seemingly insignificant decisions, all of them. I know it is hard to see outside the walls of your teenage years, to think about the rest of your life, but I wish you could try. I wish you could see what you become, what you overcome. So then maybe you won’t find your worth through the eyes of a boy that doesn’t value you for anything except your body. But rather, to see your worth through the eyes of God, through the eyes of your future husband, through the eyes of your daughters. They will forgive you for the decisions you make now, but the one who will have the most trouble with the forgiveness is yourself.

These days seem like the most important of your life, but there will be days that will stay in your heart forever. The day your best friend asks you to marry him under the lights of a Christmas tree, the day you stand before God, your family, and your friends and become one with that man, the days you do what you think you could never do and bring two beautiful girls in to this world, the time in your life when you figure out what God put you on this earth to do. The days of walking the high school hallways wondering and worrying who might be looking at you, or who might not be looking at you, the days of drinking in a pasture trying to impress a boy that won’t even remember you years later, the days of trying to prove yourself to those who truly don’t matter and will have no place in your future, those are not the days that will matter the most in the larger picture God is painting of your life.

It will take years to find your true self no matter the decisions you make now. But the one piece of advice I give you, is to follow your heart, your intuition, God’s voice in the depths of your soul. You know what to do. You are stronger than you know.

It’s true that what I regret most is part of what shaped me into the woman I am today, but I know I could have done better. You can do better. But it is okay. Because God forgives you. Your husband forgives you. And I forgive you.

Love always,

You.

October 17, 2018 by themessagemama

The 4 Ways I am Forgiving Myself

“In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.”

Ephesians 1:7

I promised myself I wouldn’t miss a week of writing blogs. I promised myself I would stay consistent. I promised myself I would stop procrastinating. I promised myself that I would figure out my systems. Do you know what these all have in common? I broke these promises. Every single one of them. But here is the great thing. I forgive myself, I give myself grace, because I am still growing and I put myself where I needed to be to be able to one day keep these promises. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give, especially to yourself.

I have always held myself to extremely high standards – we are our worst critic, aren’t we? I have realized that I need to give myself grace and overcome the impossible and idealized version of myself I wish to become, and rather find the small steps to becoming an overall better mom, wife, girl boss, and of course a daughter of God.

Before I get into how I plan to do this, I feel as though I owe everyone an explanation as to why I have been so absent, and to fill you in on the chaos that has been our life lately.

I have mentioned on social media about Sutton needing her tonsils and adenoids out because of severe sleep apnea. It was scheduled for the beginning of September. Well…we drove the hour and a half the night before her surgery and stayed at my brother and sister-in-law’s house since we had to be to the hospital so early. That night, we couldn’t get Sutton to eat supper, she was too excited to play with her cousins. Then she didn’t want to go to bed, and neither did Auden. I also forgot all of the milk I had pumped for Auden the next day while we were at the hospital, so I was pumping every 2 hours trying to get something for her. We got to the hospital the next morning, got checked in, sat down, and Sutton threw up…I knew right then they were going to cancel her surgery for fear of her doing the same while being put under and aspirating the vomit. We get to the back into prep and we tell all the nurses what happened and it seems as though we are going to continue with surgery. Then she does it again. So we tell the nurses and the (very rude) anesthesiologist comes back in and basically accuses me of lying to him, not cool dude. Then the doctor comes in and we decide to reschedule. We gave her some applesauce and water and she was perfectly fine. Go figure. After some phone tag and trying to figure everything out the following week, we got it rescheduled for the end of September, the week after I had to shoot a wedding. I worked my tail off trying to get everything done so I had nothing to worry about during her recovery except her. The surgery went great and she is doing amazing! We ended up having to stay in a room that was literally just a little bit bigger than our closet and stay over night, it was exhausting for all of us. The couple weeks of recovery at home when she was still hurting were rough. She had no idea what was going on and that was the hardest thing seeing her like that and not being able to make the pain go away. But I am happy to say she is doing so well, but has developed quite the attitude and we are entering into a new stage of toddlerhood I am not sure how to navigate yet.

Aside from mommy duties, I am also a photographer — and the fall season in the Midwest is BUSY! It is prime time for weddings and family photos, there has been lots of late nights working and in addition to a sitter coming twice a week so I can work, the girls have also been going to my in-laws twice a week. We are all struggling with so much time away from each other, but it’s only for a few weeks and we can go back to cuddles on the couch and lots and lots of playing.

Lastly, my mental health. I wrote about my postpartum depression in my blog My Journey with Postpartum Depression and Letter to Other Mamas, and I’ve been doing well, but it has been creeping up again. After listening to Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis (seriously amazing book!), and some continuous suggesting from a good friend, I started seeing a therapist. It’s going to be a long journey to deal with the many issues in my past, my self-confidence issues, and my postpartum depression and anxiety, but I know I am on the right path. And this is also how I am starting with the forgiveness I am giving myself.

1. Therapy

For years I have thought about going to therapy, but I could never follow through. I always said that the world would be a better place if everyone went to therapy, yet I myself wasn’t going to therapy (maybe she can help me with my hypocrisy too). Putting my mental health as a top priority will help me get my priorities straight and be the person I know I can be. Not the person I think I want to be, but a better version of myself; a higher version of myself.

2. Lots of Self Development

I am a book fanatic. I don’t get to read near as much as I used to, but I still love books. If I could have put all the money I put into school into books and travel, I think my life would be completely different. But I digress, I still like a good book. I never was a “self-development” type of person, it didn’t make sense to me. Then I joined an MLM company in college and learned the power focusing on bettering yourself can have. A friend of mine, the same one who helped convince me to go to therapy, gave me the Audible version of Girl, Wash Your Face, and turned me into in audio book junkie. I always thought I couldn’t listen to a book because of my deep passion for getting lost in the words, but listening to this genre of books has been a game changer. I will still read my novels, but whenever I get in my car my phone connects to my car and I start working on becoming that better version of me.

3. Talking with My Husband

Dominic sees what I do to myself even when I don’t. He sees how hard I am on myself, he sees me fill my plate with projects, he sees my passion for my work and my family. He is the mirror I need when I avoid any chance of glimpsing my ragged self. When I start feeling as though I am becoming that person I don’t want to be, I talk to him and he comforts me, and tells me that maybe I need to back off a little bit and then helps me figure out my priorities. If I haven’t said this before, he is amazing. I don’t know how I got so lucky.

4. Taking a Break

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I love my work! I have ideas that are beyond my own comprehension and I get so excited I can’t contain myself. Just between my dreams for The Message Mama and my dreams for my photography, my head kinda feels like it is going to explode. Which is when I start to lose focus on other aspects, like being a good wife and mom, and start beating myself up. So I have been working on taking breaks. Staying up late for one night, so I can take off the next day and spend it with the girls and my mom. Planning a trip to the pumpkin patch with the girls and my college roommate that I haven’t seen since her wedding 2 years ago. Taking a hot shower with a glass of wine and some music while I sing terrible and dance like no one is watching (because no one is watching, well until Sutton came in…). Going on a girls date night with my friends, going on a date night with my husband, going on a date to Starbucks with myself! Big or little, we all need a break to fill our cups.

Doing all of this allows me to give myself grace. To forgive myself for the impossible standards I set for myself, or as my therapist put it, to get myself out of the 1950’s stereotype I have put myself in as a wife and mom when I also want to be this rocking entrepreneur.

I broke promises to myself, and I would never break a promise to my friends or my family, but if I did, I hope they would forgive me because I would be truly sorry. And I am truly sorry I broke them to myself, so this is me saying “I forgive you, it is okay, don’t beat yourself up, learn from this, and try again.”

September 5, 2018 by themessagemama

10 Bible Verses to Pray to Help You Not Lose it on Your Toddler

Some days, I send up prayers, prayers to not absolutely lose it on SJ! Toddlers will push your buttons like no one’s business. It simply amazes me how such a tiny human can make me lose my mind the way she does some days. Which is why I’m going to print these out and frame them all over my house to remind me that God gave me this little one for a reason, that I can handle her, and that at the end of the day no matter what she puts me through, I love her absolutely fiercely. Also, bedtime and a glass of wine will come soon enough.

August 22, 2018 by themessagemama

Taking a Mental Health Day as a Work From Home Mom

One time I saw a meme about how women have significantly more thoughts a day than men. When I tried to Google this to find the numbers, all I could find was links to how much more each gender thinks about sex a day… seriously, internet?! Despite my utter disgust at just how obsessed the internet is with sex (that’s a whole other blog post), the fact still stands that women are always thinking about SOMETHING. Not saying that men aren’t, or that men don’t have lots to think about or more things going on; it varies. But I can probably guess that if you’re a mom, and especially a working mom, no man can top the amount of things going through your head.

Lately, I have been exhausted. I mean to the point where I have been worried about passing out. And not like “oh my bed, I can pass out!” I mean “I need to sit down before I pass out and drop the baby.” While yes I am chasing around a toddler and nursing a teething infant, I am pretty tired physically, but it doesn’t compare to a lot of people or even what I have done in the past. But my mental state was beyond exhausted. My mind was about to shut down out of pure survival. These past few months have involved some MAJOR plans for our personal life, my photography, and this blog. To the point where I can never stop dreaming, planning, thinking about the million things I have to do, running numbers through my head to weigh costs with profit to how much of that will be income from us, and tying all the ideas together in this big interlaced web because there are so many steps.

Now, please don’t take this as complaining. I LOVE doing this, I LOVE my work. It gets me excited and I look forward to working on these things. But I work, and either during work or after working I have a toddler and a 5 month old, both who have been having health issues. AJ is totally fine and we got the okay Monday that she does not have craniosynotosis, but SJ still has to get her tonsils and adenoids out because of her severe sleep apnea, so that adds to the mental strain. My mind has not had 2 seconds to rest. Even in my sleep, because either AJ isn’t sleeping, or I suffer from extreme vivid dreams that feel very real emotionally and physically, so I wake up exhausted even if I do sleep (mostly) through the night.

That is why I took a mental health day. Kinda. Monday after we got home from AJ’s doctor appointment, my amazing husband took SJ and I sat in the recliner, cuddling my baby being thankful God heard our prayers and she doesn’t need surgery, and I binge watched Netflix. All. Night. I turned on a mindless show (thanks for introducing me to Riverdale, Jen), and I shut off my brain. I didn’t think about anything. I didn’t think about blogs, photoshoots, editing, workshops, products, product guides, doctor appointments, surgeries, contracts, workflows, finances — nothing. I sat and watched as Betty and Jughead tried to find out who killed Jason and who in the world Archie was going to kiss next and wondering why everyone in that show has red hair (like seriously, half the cast has red hair). And it was the best thing I could have done for my mind.

I went to bed that night feeling more rested than I have in a long time, without any sleep. Because while yes I definitely need to sleep for a week straight, my mind needed the rest more than my body did. I couldn’t have done it without DJ, who did more that day than I could have ever dreamed. He folded laundry, did the dishes, took care of the girls, made supper. He is my hero. He knew how badly I needed that time and he let me have it. Have I mentioned how lucky I am that I have an amazing husband who helps me without needing to be asked and we have a mutual understanding of how hard the other works for our family? Don’t worry, I won’t go all sappy on you, but he deserves huge credit in me being able to take a mental health day.

So if you are a working mom, a stay at home mom, a work from home mom, take a mental health day. Whatever that may be for you, do it! Because you are worth it! We can’t be the amazing mom, wife, entrepreneur, employee, anything, if we don’t take care of ourselves first.

August 14, 2018 by themessagemama

Welcoming our Daughter into the Church | AJ’s Baptism

“For through faith you are all children of God in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.”
-Galatians 3: 26 – 27

As my faith journey has been progressing, my appreciation and understanding of the sacraments has well. So Baptism to me now, is a much bigger event than I ever acknowledged before. It is the taking away of original sin and welcoming her in to our church family. It is a big step in the beginning of her faith life! It is her first experience of truly receiving the Holy Spirit! And it was a big deal for us as well, because just like when I talked about how it is my job as a wife to get my husband to Heaven, it is our job as parents and Godparents to help our kids get to Heaven. Like our priest always says during baptisms, we become the divine babysitters.

She did so well throughout the whole baptism and actually enjoyed the water getting poured on her head, unlike her sister who screamed throughout her entire baptism (thankfully she was much better for AJ’s).

Now being a wedding photographer, I couldn’t pass up photographing all the pretty details. The baptismal gown we used for both girls’ baptism was about 60 years old. DJ’s mom, aunt, and uncles all wore it, DJ and his brother’s wore it, and lots of other family members have worn it. It’s beyond beautiful and anything with sentimental meaning is important to me. Her bracelet was a gift from my best friend and it fit her perfectly! And of course I had to get photos of her invitation, because they were just too pretty!

July 17, 2018 by themessagemama

How I keep my Family and Home Safe, Healthy, & Clean – Part 2 of 3 | Norwex

I just want to start by saying congratulations to Lena and Brittany for winning my Mommy’s Bliss Instagram giveaway last week! 5 free Mommy’s Bliss products is AMAZING! I wish I could have entered my own giveaway!

To continue on with my second company I love to keep my home clean in a safe way, I’m going to share with you my secret to making cleaning my home super easy. Because who likes cleaning? Definitely not me, just ask my mom, she’ll be happy to tell you how awful I am at it (and by the way, thanks mom for helping me clean my house when I need it).

Ever since I found Norwex, though, cleaning my house isn’t quite as awful as it was before. And I know it is safe because get this; all I need is water because of most of their products are made with an antibacterial microfiber – what they call “BacLock”.

Our [Norwex’s] antibacterial microfiber is one of the most innovative products in the industry! Norwex has developed a unique technology that combines an antibacterial silver-based agent with our microfiber. The antibacterial agent is actually embedded inside the tiny microfiber. The agent is solely designed to inhibit bacterial odor, mold, and/or mildew growth within the cloth.

Norwex

And not only are the products safe for my home and family, their company is working to help make the world safer and healthier by focusing on educating people with the Norwex Movement rather than just selling products.

The goal of the Norwex Movement is to help you learn about the negative effects of chemicals in our bodies and on our planet, and provide you with the information you need to protect your family.

Norwex Movement

The basic products that I believe every household should have is their Household Package. This includes the EnviroCloth, the window cloth, and the dusting mitt which all include their BacLock technology. Here’s how I use them and why I love them:

The EnviroCloth

It cleans EVERYTHING: disinfects, stays smelling fresh for a really long time, and is just the best staple to have in my cleaning arsenal. It works fantastic at cleaning up SJ’s little table because she eats a lot of snacks there and then the dogs like to clean up her snacks from the table (insert face palm emoji here)… it is so gross! But all I need is the EnviroCloth and some water and I know it is clean! I have been to Norwex parties and seen their demonstration where they break an egg on the counter and then clean it up with the EnviroCloth and then use the protein swabs that health departments use and it shows that the counter is clean, so I have seen that it really works! I use this on my tables, my furniture, my cabinets, my counters, the outside of my toilets, my sink, SJ’s hands (not after I use it on the toilets), pretty much everywhere in my house. And it can go a good 7-10 days between washes (with the exception of after my bathrooms because I just can’t do that), and it still stays clean because of the silver! I love it!

The Window Cloth

When I was little we had a bucket that had everything to wash the car in, and one towel in there was a shammy cloth to dry the car and get rid of all the streaks. Well this window cloth is like that shammy cloth times a thousand! After using the EnviroCloth on any type of shiny surface like mirrors, windows, my shower glass, and faucets or my counters, I go over it with the Window Cloth and it is so clean and streak free – it is amazing! No more glass cleaner, paper towels, or streaks! Can I get an amen?! And it has the BacLock so I don’t need to wash it after every time I use it.

The Dusting Mitt

Growing up, one of my chores at my mom’s house was dusting. Every Thursday I had to dust the house. So you would think this would make me really good at dusting, but I still don’t like it and am still in the habit of trying to get it done as quickly as possible. This mitt makes it super easy to do that. It collects so much dust and makes it very simple because all I do is stick my hand in the mitt, rub it together to create a little static cling, and run my hand along everything that needs dusting. No more spraying the dusting spray and breathing it in, leaving streaks, dirty old cloths covered in dust, and not knowing where the dust actually ends up. It all ends up on the mitt! And since this has the BacLock technology, I can just brush all the dust off and I don’t have to wash it every time because it stays clean.

I could go on and on about all the products I love from Norwex, but I’ll save those for some upcoming blog posts!

All these links will lead you to shop with the super sweet Kristi! Please look around all the products and if you have any questions, just email Kristi at her email listed on the site!

And keep an eye on my Instagram for a giveaway I’m doing of all of these products! You don’t want to miss it!

@themessagemama

July 11, 2018 by themessagemama

How I keep my Family and Home Safe, Healthy, & Clean – Part 1 of 3 | Mommy’s Bliss

The amount of toxins that are in the marketplace of every day items blows my mind. I try very hard to use the cleanest and healthiest products I can for my family, and I am sharing the top 3 companies that I love to help me achieve this.

First up is Mommy’s Bliss!

When SJ was a baby, like most babies, she would get super gassy and just scream. I decided to grab some gripe water, and it helped, but not a lot. Then the next time I went to good ol’ Target, I got Mommy’s Bliss Gripe Water and it was a game changer! I swear this stuff is magic, even my baby-sitter said the same thing when we gave some to AJ. I couldn’t believe how well it all worked. So I started looking at their other products as well.

Since SJ had a bit of a run in with some constipation issues after we started solids with her at 6 months, I decided to try their product Constipation Ease, and it worked like a dream. Around this time is when they came out with their Powder Probiotic, and let me tell you, SJ is like a totally different kid after starting it! Here are just a few of the things I noticed after starting her on the powder probiotic once a day in her morning milk.

No more constipation and VERY regular
Started sleeping better at night and at naps
Doesn’t get sick as often

These were all huge for us. Not having her upset and in pain because of constipation made my mama heart happy, no one likes to see their baby in pain. And can I get a “HALLELUJAH!” for a baby that actually sleeps! Especially when she was an absolutely terrible sleeper for most of her first year. Then, of course one, of the big things I noticed was that while all the other kids around us were sick pretty much all winter, SJ only had a couple little run-ins with a cold, and their Organic Cough Syrup cleared that right up. I love these probiotics and never want to run out, which is why I have it on auto-ship from Amazon. Total lifesaver.

They also have the probiotic drops and probiotic+vitamin D drops (that I am going to start for AJ) for younger babies. Their other products that we love are the night time gripe water, the gas drops, the organic cough syrup and night time cough syrup, and the vitamin D drops.

This is Mommy’s Bliss story from their website.

Mommy’s Bliss was founded by Roshan Kaderali, a mom and pediatric nurse, midwife and doula who had used Gripe Water to ease infant colic and fussiness for years while working in Scotland. When she moved to the U.S., she was astonished that the “magical” Gripe Water formula she relied on wasn’t available here. So she set out to create the first all-natural Gripe Water in America and Mommy’s Bliss was born. As our company has grown, our mission hasn’t changed: help moms everywhere bond with their babies by creating effective, trusted products that incorporate the wisest ingredients from around the world.

They use real, natural, organic ingredients that I know I can trust. You can see all their products here.

July 3, 2018 by themessagemama

SJ’s Two Sweet Ice Cream Birthday Party

It’s bitter sweet that SJ is 2!! I love watching her grow up, learn new skills, and come into her own little personality, but it makes me sad just how fast it is going and I want to savor every last bit of her childhood. I already got a taste of her growing attitude this week when she got mad at me, went to her room, slammed the door, and cried. Like what?! You are 2 not 16. But all it took was a snack and she liked me again. She amazes me every single day, and I thank God all the time that I have a healthy little girl, attitude and all.

I love planning the girls’ birthday parties! I started planning SJ’s 1st birthday when I got put on bedrest at 27 weeks. Yes, I am definitely that mom. You would think I would learn by now though to hire a photographer for their parties (since, ya know, I get hired to photograph other’s parties), because I did not get near as many photos as I wanted and the quality wasn’t even that great on them because my mind was 5 million places and I wasn’t even focusing on the photos. So my tip, hire a photographer! It will be worth it. And if you’re local you can always hire me 😉

Now that I got my shameless plug in for my photography (#sorrynotsorry), back to the party. Even with the hiccups that day, like the torrential downpour that started right as everyone was arriving that pushed us into our not so photogenic, hot and humid garage, it was still a great party. SJ had the best time ever playing in the rain with her cousins and friends, she got some amazing presents, and had the most delicious cake and cookies I have ever had in my life that I ordered 8 months ago because she books up so fast! And yes I already have my name down for both girls’ parties next year. So good!

Another tip, sit down before hand and make a to-do list of every single thing you can think of. Because I was completely behind getting everything put together thanks to my mom brain, and AJ was cluster feeding all morning, so I still forgot stuff. Even though my husband, in-laws, mom, and my best friend completely saved my butt coming over and helping. I don’t know what I would do without them! I still forgot to put out the two cans of whip cream for the ice cream bar…but now I have two cans of whip cream all to myself. I’m not that disappointed…

But anyways, I got a few photos, even though the lighting is a little weird because I didn’t want to put my flash on my camera. I am so happy I got some photos of her last week in her party dress though!

Side note: in the last photo of our family, AJ looks like she is trying to devise a plan to get to the cookies, which is a real possibility with those chubby cheeks of hers.

June 19, 2018 by themessagemama

Handling Pregnancy and Postpartum Skin

Hormones do some crazy things to your body! Especially your skin. When I was pregnant, both times, my skin looked like I was a teenager again. Then with AJ, I even ended up with pregnancy eczema on my face which is beyond annoying. It was embarrassing, hard to deal with, and made me extremely self conscious.

When I was pregnant with SJ, I pretty much stopped using a lot of my skin care products because I just didn’t know if they were safe and wasn’t willing to take any risk. My skin was absolutely awful! Then after I had her, it was even worse. And I was nursing, so I still didn’t want to risk using any product that may not be safe. Then shortly before I got pregnant with AJ, I was introduced to Beautycounter. I was completely blown away by the company’s mission as well as their products. They are working to revolutionize the beauty industry and make it SAFE!

“The United States has not passed a major federal law to regulate the safety of ingredients used in personal care products since 1938. There are more than 80,000 chemicals on the market today, many with no safety data whatsoever. This is particularly true of those used in the skin care and beauty industry.”

Beautycounter

That is scary! So I bought a bunch of the products and loved all of them. My three favorite products were the charcoal cleansing bar, the charcoal cleansing mask, and the nourishing day cream. My skin was absolutely glowing! Those postpartum hormones after SJ didn’t stand a chance. Then my body laughed at me when I got pregnant with AJ and gave me a whole new set of skin problems. But thanks to these amazing and safe products, I was able to keep the eczema at bay and keep my blemishes pretty much gone (when I actually kept up on my skin care and wasn’t lying on my bathroom floor all day). I added the balancing facial oil in with the nourishing day cream in the morning, and then applied it directly to the problem spots at night after using the cleansing balm as a night time facial mask. In addition to using the charcoal cleansing bar every other day in the shower and the charcoal cleansing mask a couple times a week, my skin was amazing! I was able to keep all those awful pregnancy skin problems under control and it was one less thing I had to worry about. I wish I would have taken before and after photos!

After having AJ, my skin is even better. I no longer have to worry about the eczema which makes things a little easier. But I still use the charcoal cleansing bar, balancing facial oil and nourishing day cream regularly, and I added in the nourishing cream exfoliator a few times a week. So not only is my skin amazing now, I know I am using safe products for myself and my girls, which makes this mama very happy!

Beautycounter has so many amazing products (including a kids line!) that is safe for the whole family! You can see more here and shop with Anne who is a kind and passionate cosmetologist and salon owner that led her to become a Beautycounter consultant! I cannot wait to introduce you more to Anne and share all the amazing qualities of Beautycounter and their products!

*This post contains affiliate links. Please read my disclaimer here.

June 12, 2018 by themessagemama

My Journey with Postpartum Depression and Letter to Other Mamas

This might be one of the hardest posts I have had to write yet, but it is one that I NEED to write, especially right now with the spotlight on depression and mental illnesses. So here we go…

I have post postpartum depression.

I am one of the lucky ones, though. I never felt like I wanted to hurt myself or my girls, I was able to admit I needed help, and I was able to take care of it before I got to an extreme low. The weird part is, I was fine after I had AJ. When I said I was rocking this 2 under 2 thing in my post about adjusting to life with 2 under 2, I meant it. I was doing awesome! Then things started to change around 4-5 weeks. Even at my 6 week appointment after filling out the PPD evaluation sheet they give you, my midwife mentioned I scored a little high and I needed to keep an eye on it. But I thought I was handling it okay and it would go away. But it just got worse…

I was extremely overwhelmed, I always wanted to cry, I felt like a complete failure as a mom and a wife, and I had no motivation to do anything. DJ would get home from work, and I would immediately leave and find some errand I had to run because I needed to get away. Even just a couple hours with the girls became completely overwhelming. I was snapping at SJ for the smallest things, and we usually both ended up in tears. That’s not the mom I am, but that was the mom I was being.

I knew I had PPD in my head, but I couldn’t admit it out loud. Even though I am such an advocate for getting help if something is wrong, I thought I could handle it on my own. Luckily, one of my friends who experienced PPD picked up on everything I was saying and encouraged me to get help. This is why if you believe a friend might be suffering from PPD or any other mental illness, ask them! My friend straight up asked me, “Do you think you have postpartum depression?” Even someone you think would be able to admit it probably won’t be able to. I couldn’t.

But then I had a breaking point where I cried all day. I couldn’t stop, I have never felt that awful, even though I knew everything was fine, and there was nothing to be upset about, my mind created these awful problems in my head. My mind told me that everything was terrible, that I was terrible, that I was the cause of every problem, even though I knew that wasn’t true. I felt like a prisoner in my own body because I couldn’t control anything. That is why telling someone with depression or anxiety to “just focus on the good” or “get over it” doesn’t work. Because if I could, I would have. No one wants to feel that way.

The first step I had to take was admitting out loud to DJ that I knew I had PPD. Even though it was talked about in a round about way, I needed to actually say, “I have postpartum depression.” I messaged my cousin who works with an OB and asked if she knew of any good counselors in the are that could help. But she told me that the doctor she works for said with PPD, since it is hormonal and usually more short term, medicines tend to work better. The next day I called my doctors office and made an appointment. I’m surprised when I told them why I needed to make the appointment they could even understand me I said it so fast and quiet. So even though I wanted to just hang up, I made the appointment. Then I went to the appointment. Then I sat in the exam room. And then I thought to myself, “I’m fine I should just leave and tell them I was wrong and I’m fine.” I wanted to run out of that room. Then my midwife walked in and asked in the sweetest way what all was going on and I just started crying. She agreed that I had some PPD going on and asked if I wanted to start a low dose of Lexapro, and I said yes.

They say it takes about a week to start feeling better on this medicine, but the next day I felt like a brand new person. I felt like ME! Not only me, but the me I WANTED to be. Happy. Laid back. Motivated. I could smile at every little thing the girls did. I was being the mom I wanted to be. The crazy part is, SJ was beyond well behaved those first few days I was on the medicine. It was like she had been feeding off of my bad energy. DJ came home and asked how I was and I just smiled. I hadn’t been able to smile like that in weeks.

I have the misfortune of knowing just how detrimental depression and mental illnesses can be. My grandfather committed suicide when my mom was 7 and I have many other family members that have suffered from mental illnesses. Most recently though, my step-dad came out to tell that he suffers from PTSD. He is a police officer and he was beyond fearless in not only admitting this and getting help, but helping others in law enforcement going through the same situation admit and get help. If he could do this, then I sure as heck should be able to. Ever since he got the help he needed, he is a completely different person! It just goes to show that getting the help you need can be hard, but oh so worth it in the end. Or rather, a new beginning.

If you think you might be suffering from PPD, please call your doctor. Talk to your spouse, a friend, a therapist, you don’t have to do it alone.

If you feel like you want to hurt yourself or others, please call your doctor immediately. You can always call the suicide lifeline in addition to calling your doctor, 1-800-273-8255.

Now, my letter to the other mamas out there who are struggling with PPD…

Dear Mama,

Right now you feel alone, but you aren’t. There are millions of other women going through exactly what you are going through. But don’t worry, you won’t be lost in the sea of today’s problems, I see you. I see you struggling, I see you wishing to be a better mom, I see you wanting to do better for your husband, I see you wondering what in the world is going on in your head. It is okay. It is okay to be sad, upset, angry. But it is not okay to hide it in fear of what others will think. You come first, put yourself first. You are stronger than you believe and you can get the help you need. Get the help you need so you can be the mom you want to be, be the loving wife, and be able to control the thoughts in your head. You will smile again, you will feel self love again, you will feel strength again. If you don’t have the courage right now to get the help , then take some of my courage, because I believe in you.

Love, LJ