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The Message Mama

A blog about motherhood and marriage inspired by God's message

Motherhood

5 Ways I’m Taking Myself Out of the Compare Game

comparison

Even before social media, before I was old enough to realize what I was doing, I compared myself to everyone. I still compare myself to everyone. Which is probably why I have never had the best self confidence. It doesn’t matter what you do in your life, there is someone else who does the same thing. For me, there are other moms, other wives, other bloggers, other photographers, and all I do is compare myself to them. I look at their social media and wish that I had the time, energy, and money to do all those things with SJ or buy her those cute boutique outfits. I see other bloggers having hundreds of thousand followers with perfect Instagram grids and look at my lack-luster, non-cohesive Instagram and my 197 followers (half robots, half amazing people that I cannot thank enough for following me on this journey). Then I look around and see photographers’ work that looks way better than mine or are doing other things in the photography world to make 6 figure incomes when I am barely getting by. I honestly am crying just thinking about it all right now. That’s what the Compare Game does to me. It breaks me down even though I am writing this post about how I am going to get myself out of it.

Because this is what I should be doing: I should be looking at others social media as inspiration, not competition. I should focus on my obstacles and how to get past them to get to the level I want. I need to remember that everyone has a different situation, is in different circumstances, have been doing these things for different amounts of time, started at completely different levels than me, and most importantly: they aren’t me!

My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action. This, then, is how we will know that we belong to the truth; this is how we will be confident in God’s presence.

-1 John 3: 18 – 19

1. Prayer and Affirmation

This one is pretty obvious. But I need to take it a step further. I am really bad about sticking to things, it is a trait that I wish I didn’t have. But, when I stick to my daily devotional, it keeps me going. It gives me a passion that only God can give me. Not so surprising that after a couple weeks of just not reading it, I read one and got the idea for this blog post and ultimately pushed me into taking back control of my life.

I also decided to type up a daily prayer and daily affirmations to put on my bathroom mirror to read every day. Mine goes like this, but I encourage you to make it your own.

God,

You gave me, and me alone, the spark, the purpose, to be an amazing mom & wife, to share Your word and my life through The Message Mama, and to capture Your beautiful world through my photography. Please help to remind me that You are the one who gave me these purposes, and through you I can be the best mom, wife, blogger, and photographer. Please help me to ignore the distractions, to come up with ideas rather than excuses, and to stay positive when others and myself try to bring negativity into my life. I mercifully ask that you help me to work with a passion that only Your love can bring. Thank You for putting these sparks into my heart, and thank You for helping me fan them into the flames You want to spread Your love.

Amen.

Then after saying that prayer, I repeat these statements of affirmation, to help me believe them, to make them a reality, even if some of them sound silly, self love and affirmation is important.

I am a good & loving wife & mom. I am an amazing and sought-after photographer. I am the best blogger with thousands of followers. I am organized and keep the house clean. I am a hard worker. I am passionate. I don’t speak badly about others. I love God fiercely and share His love with everyone. I am forgiving. I am a friend that is always there. I don’t make excuses. I seek and share God in everything I do. I eat healthy and drink lots of water. I don’t judge others. I don’t compare myself to others. I encourage others. I am not on my phone and social media too much. I play with my kids more than my phone. I don’t need to shop. I know how to say no. I never stop trying to be a better person.

But now you must get rid of all these things: anger, passion, and hateful feelings. No insults or obscene talk must ever come from your lips.

-Colossians 3: 8

2. Plan Better and Write Down My Goals

I don’t know how I ever fell out of this habit. When I was in college, I planned everything. I couldn’t live without my planner! This is one thing I am going to get back in the habit of doing. If I can plan when I can clean, when I can work, yes even when I can relax, then I can get myself to my goals sooner. I absolutely LOVED my Erin Condren planner in college, and I was trying to find a more affordable planner, but I might have to go back to that one!

I also am going to keep my weekly goals in my planner so I can visually see what I need to accomplish that week, to get to my bigger goals.

3. Get an Accountability Partner

Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, it’s just too bad, because there is no one to help him.

-Ecclesiastes 4: 9 – 10

I plan on having a few of these actually, for different things, meaning people in my lives that are part of each area I need accountability in. It is really hard to ask people for help, and even harder to feel like people might judge you for not having something done. But, that’s what an accountability partner is for! I have some people in mind, but I don’t know how to approach it yet. Because it can’t be a “I need you to do this for me.” The word partner is in there for a reason, I need to help them just as much as I need them to help me, which means finding out what we can do for each other.

4. Get Off  Social Media

This one is HARD! Social media is part of my job. It’s where I connect with my readers and followers, where I connect with other bloggers, where I communicate with clients, and where I share my content. But I need to focus on keeping it just for that. Social media is where the Compare Game is played. Facebook and Instagram are where I see all the things that bring me down, and I need to remember that social media should only be used as a tool. Right before DJ and I got married, I deleted my Facebook. It was causing problems in my life I didn’t need, and it was amazing to be off of it! Then I had to get back on because I was taking a photography course where I needed to turn in projects to a Facebook group… and the problem started again. I know Facebook is a huge tool in growing my business and my blog, but I need to stop scrolling through it mindlessly. If I get off social media when I don’t need to be, it’s the biggest step to taking myself out of the game.

5. Remind Myself that God put These Sparks into My Heart

Seek your happiness in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desire. Give yourself to the LORD; trust in him, and he will help you

-Psalm 37: 4 – 5

I already talked about this in point 1 and at the beginning, but it deserves a point all its own. God put these sparks into my heart to be a mom, wife, blogger, and photographer for a reason. He didn’t put a passion into my heart to be something else, he gave me a passion to be a mom, to be a wife, to blog about my journey through motherhood and marriage and what I am doing to grow my relationship with him, and the feeling I get when I hold my camera comes to me because He gave me that love for photography. I might not have the natural talent that so many have, but I have the passion. I have the spark that He gave me, and that is something no one should be able to take away. When I get caught up in the Compare Game, it gives the enemy the power to slowly put out my spark, and that is not okay! If I repeat my prayer and affirmations every morning, it will remind me who put that spark there, and who can help me be the best I can be.

 

Don’t let yourself get caught up in the Compare Game. I hope you can join me on the journey of taking yourself out of the game. A journey towards self-love and self-determination. A journey towards being the best that you can be, because He knows you can.

 

 

My Hospital Bag Necessities for Baby #2

delivery hospital bag

The last 7 months have gone fast and slow all at the same time. Most likely because this time I’m chasing a toddler around and (so far) don’t have to be stuck in bed. But, I also still have been sick and overall hurting a lot worse this time than I was with SJ, which makes it go a little bit slower. And of course the anticipation of meeting AJ makes it feel like my pregnancy lasts as long as an elephant’s (which is 22 months if you were wondering, and yes I had to Google that). But after everything we went through with SJ, and now that they are watching me nice and closely with AJ, I figured I should really get my hospital bag in order.

I will say I am pretty proud of myself as not much has changed from what I brought the first time around. Which means I did pretty well the first time around – high-five to me! I start by making a list for myself (the longest, go figure), a list for DJ, a list for AJ, and a last minute list that I really can’t get together until right before. And I only use 2 bags! Our middle size rolling luggage for me, DJ, and AJ’s things that has the long term stay items that DJ goes and gets after we have settled into our regular room. Then, I also have a smaller, tote-type bag (I use the Fold-Over Weekender from Thirty-One) that will go into the labor & delivery room with us as soon as we get to the hospital. I tend to over-pack and like to be prepared, but I would rather be over-prepared, especially since we live an hour from the hospital.

My List

  • 3 Pairs of comfy pants and 3 loose, low cut shirts (1 pair of pants and 1 shirt goes into the L&D bag to change into before going to our room)- When I had SJ, I got two nursing friendly night gowns to wear while in the hospital, and while they were great for nursing, they weren’t the most comfortable for me or easiest for the nurses. After you have the baby, the nurses come in and “massage” your stomach and have to look down there to monitor what is coming out, which means every time they came in, I had to try and wrestle my night gown up high enough for them to get access to my stomach and look down yonder. The night gowns were also a pain to hold up while trying to use the restroom and deal with that process, because it is a complete 10 minute process every time you have to go into the bathroom. This way, for the nurses, I can simply lift up my t-shirt, and going to the bathroom will be a little easier. I made sure I got loose, comfy sweatpants that can accommodate my diapers (that’s coming), and loose low cut shirts that are easy to just pull down to nurse in. I have two pairs of pants and shirts for the stay, and one pair of pants and shirt to go home in.
  • 3 Nursing Bras and LOTS of Nursing Pads (1 bra and 1 pair of nursing pads in the L&D bag)- This is one of those things that I really probably only need one, maybe two, bras and a couple pairs of nursing pads, but who knows when my milk will decide to come in full-force and I soak through everything. With SJ, I soaked through everything and I definitely want to be prepared this time. These are the nursing bras I like for in the hospital and sleeping in.
  • Nursing Hoodie– Since AJ is being born (most likely) in April, it will probably still be a little chilly and I want to wear a hoodie, but nursing in a hoodie is a pain! So I found a couple cute nursing hoodies and am bringing one to wear when we leave. That way I can be dressed and ready before we go, but can still nurse AJ right before we leave. I got this one and this one on Amazon, but make sure to order one to two sizes larger because they run very small. I usually wear medium or large, but because I like them bigger,  I ordered an XL for both.
  • Robe (in the L&D bag)- I am ALWAYS cold, it’s a family trait. A robe will be something I can wear to stay a little warmer, and not have to worry about nursing in while in the room. It will also be great for during labor if I decide to walk the halls or just in the wheelchair ride to our room after AJ is born. It will help keep me all covered up and warm in the halls.
  • Slippers (in the L&D bag)- It’s nice to have something comfortable to walk in that aren’t the itchy, grippy socks they give you in the hospital. Whether it’s walking the halls, or just getting up to go to the bathroom. I highly suggest slip ons, rather than the ones that you have to pull around the back of your heels because bending over still isn’t easy after the baby comes out, especially if you have to get a c-section.
  • 3 Pairs of Fuzzy Socks– This is a definite personal decision, like I said, I am always cold and I pretty much live in fuzzy socks.
  • Flip-Flops– because no one wants to go barefoot in hospital showers.
  • Delivery Gown (in the L&D bag)- this one is completely optional, I decided to splurge a bit for baby #2 and go for it. The hospital gowns are extremely uncomfortable, and I would rather just not think about everything that has already happened in them. I got a cute one on Amazon that is nice and soft, has buttons down the back, and buttons down the front to be able to undo and do skin-to-skin and nurse right away. This is the one I ordered.
  • Always Discreet Underwear ( I bring about 15)- Yup, you read that right. The hospital will have diapers for the baby, but make sure to bring some for you. They give you pads the size of a large towel and mesh underwear, but I constantly worried about leaking everywhere. With these I felt nice and secure. I still put a pad in them just for extra protection, but I didn’t have to worry about anything slipping around like I know I would have with the mesh underwear, and these were much more comfortable. I got the highest absorbency I could so that I could go without the pads if I wanted to. I even had a nurse comment what a good idea it was and I was surprised they hadn’t seen more women with them.
  • Flushable Wipes– These are just nice to keep in the bathroom to help keep things nice and clean down there. The peri bottle they give you will be a complete life saver (make sure you take it home!), but having something soft to use down there helps so much. Because any toilet paper will feel like sand paper.
  • Dermoplast– Best invention ever after having a baby! I had a second degree tear with SJ and the Dermoplast helped soothe the pain. And you literally just pushed a tiny human out, you’re going to be sore.
  • Tucks– These little cooling, round pads that you can stick right on top of your pad helps soothe the pain that comes after having a baby as well. And… sorry, but hemorrhoids will probably happen after you have the baby if you don’t already have them. For me, they didn’t happen until SJ was 6 weeks old, but I was so happy I already had these little round pieces of heaven.
  • Coconut Oil– With SJ I just brought regular nipple balm, thankfully because my nipples were cracked and bleeding by the next morning. But after I got home, I started just using coconut oil. It works amazing, I don’t have to worry about wiping it off before nursing again, and it’s cheaper! I put some in a little mason jar and threw it in my bag for this time.
  • Belly Bandit– I didn’t wear my Belly Bandit as much as I wish I would have the first time around, but I know this time I have diastasis recti (separation of your ab muscles) that is more severe than I ever had with SJ. I plan on trying to wear this as soon as I have her and get settled to start the healing process of not only my ab muscles, but to help my uterus go back down, and to help my pelvic floor muscles. I have become more passionate about learning of the effects diastasis recti has on women’s body, and it isn’t just the mama pooch, but it can affect your pelvic floor muscles as well which in turn can lead to incontinence and organ prolapse in extreme cases. It doesn’t have to be that way, though! Look into the benefits of belly wrapping and how to properly strengthen your tummy muscles after having a baby.
  • In my Toiletries Bag– This bag we always have packed, it sits in our bathroom closet with the travel sizes of everything, so it was very easy to just grab and throw it in the suitcase.
    • Toothbrush/Toothpaste
    • Shampoo/Conditioner
    • Dry Shampoo
    • Brush
    • Hair Ties
    • Body Wash
    • Make-Up Wipes
    • Chapstick (I actually moved this to my L&D bag)

 

DJ’s List

  • Jeans and a (nicer) T-shirt– We are having a photographer come for a fresh-48 session, so I wanted something a little bit more formal than sweatpants for DJ for that. He will also wear this home because he’s not one to wear sweatpants out.
  • Sweatpants and a T-shirt– DJ stays at the hospital with me, especially since we live an hour away. So we spend a lot of time just chilling in our room. Since SJ was born at night, we ended up having to stay 2 nights in the hospital, and he needed something comfy to sleep in and lounge in.
  • 3 Pairs of Socks– because you have to have socks.
  • Sandals-because he usually goes to the cafeteria or to go get coffee in the morning and his boots and sweatpants aren’t a good look. Even though he would totally wear them.
  • In the Toiletries Bag– just like all my stuff, these are always in our toiletries bag in the closet
    • Toothbrush
    • Shampoo
    • Soap
    • Chapstick

 

AJ’s List

  • Name Swaddle & Hat– This is how we tell our family the baby’s name. The first time they meet the baby, she will be wrapped up in her blanket and have her little hat on that has her first and middle name on it. It’s kinda a big deal that I have even put her initials on the blog because we didn’t share anything about SJ’s name before she was born, but this time we have shared AJ’s initials, and her middle name (it’s Jacquelyn, like mine). We ordered this one from Aspen Lane and I cannot wait for it to get here!
  • Copper Pearl Swaddle and Hat– I also got her a cute matching swaddle and hat from Copper Pearl and it is so soft! I love it, but this is just an additional item for photos and completely optional.
  • 2 Kimono Type Onesies- They have to check baby constantly, so having a onesie that can unbutton in the front is very important. I can also open it up to do skin to skin as well. I brought those little sleep sack things for SJ, and one they were WAY too big, and two they just didn’t work well for the nurses and doctors to check her. I got AJ this one in two colors from L’ovedbaby. I will probably only keep her in one, but with babies you should always have spare clothes.
  • Ollie Swaddle– We got no sleep when SJ was born because as soon as her little arm popped out of the blanket, she was crying. I originally was going to bring a SwaddleMe swaddle, but then my mom got AJ the Ollie Swaddle for Christmas and it is super soft and the bottom unties for easy diaper changes.
  • Lulla Doll– I’m just hoping this will help her sleep at night as well as help get her nights and days straightened out sooner. We didn’t get this for SJ until she was about 9 months old and I hadn’t slept for 6 months, I am definitely not making that mistake again. Also, the great thing about this doll is that it has velcro straps, so it doesn’t have to be right in the bed with them.
  • Boppy- Or some type of nursing pillow.
  • Burp Rag or 2– Nursing can get messy; spit up, dribbles, when the baby unlatches during a letdown and gets a milk bath, etc. It’s just a good idea to always have a few of these on hand for the next year or so.
  • Pacifiers– Shhh, don’t tell my lactation consultant! I mentioned earlier that by the morning after SJ was born, my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I brought the pacifiers just in case and wasn’t planning on using them since the more I can get her to latch, the faster my milk will come in and help my supply. But, the pain was excruciating and I needed something to soothe her. This time I want to try to not use them, but if I find myself in the same painful situation, I need something to get her off my boob and still keep her happy.
  • Muslin Swaddle for the Dogs– If you have pets, it’s a good idea to get the baby’s scent on a blanket and have someone bring it to the dogs before you come home. I plan on bringing two muslin swaddles and having one of our parents that will be staying with SJ and the dogs, bring it home for them to lay with.
  • Going Home Outfit– With SJ, I had a cute pair of shorts and a onesie that said “Hello World” on it, but we ended up having to put her in a pair of pants that I luckily brought as well because it was unusually cold for a July day. I kept it simple for AJ and just got this super cute thermal sleeper from L’ovedbaby  since I know it will probably be a bit colder out.
  • Felt Letter Board– I’m bringing this simply for announcement photos

 

Last Minute List

  • Camera– This is on here because I’m a photographer and even though we have hired a photographer, I want to catch those in-between moments when she isn’t there. I completely failed when we had SJ and didn’t even take my camera out, and now I have hardly any photos. Not making that mistake again, which is also why it was so important to me to hire a photographer this time.
  • Snacks– Majority of places you can’t eat during labor, but you want to have snacks in the room after baby is born for you and your significant other. Breastfeeding will make you want to eat everything! And hospital food isn’t all that great.
  • iPad, SD reader, and Headphones– The beginning of labor might not be super intense, so it’s nice to have something to play, read, or watch movies on. And after baby is born, I want to be able to upload and edit my photos when we have some downtime, which is why I am bringing my SD card reader for my iPad. I also have these wireless headphones that I got pretty cheap on Amazon to use (possibly) while in labor to help me to relax, or if DJ wants to watch a movie at some point during the stay.
  • Phone & Phone Charger
  • Make-Up and Moisturizer- This is a personal preference, since we are having a Fresh 48 session, I want to be able to throw a little bit of make-up on. Also, pregnancy and postpartum hormones wreak havoc on my skin, so I have to bring my BeautyCounter moisturizer.
  • Blanket– It’s really nice to have something comforting from home like your favorite blanket, I plan on bringing my incredibly soft Matilda Jane Blanket.

Did I miss anything? What is something that you wish you would have brought to the hospital or are so glad you did?

The Top 11 Faith Based Books on My 2018 Reading List

faith books 2018

I have a confession to make: I have an obsession – I am completely obsessed with books. I have totes upon totes of books in our basement that haven’t found a permanent home in our new house yet. I also have thousands of dollars worth of books on wish lists on Amazon. Yes, I said lists, because I have them all on separate lists depending what they are; for fun, art books, self development, kids books, poetry, classic books, history books, and even a list of books for my husband. I even have books that I have collected simply because they look cool or have interesting random topics. The town I went to college in had a used book store that I could have spent way more time (and money) in. I mean, I was the kid in high school that got her book taken away from her because I was reading in class too much. I was also the kid whose mom said she would rather buy her clothes than books because I wanted too many books and clothes were cheaper. I tried the argument that my mom should be encouraging me to read – she told me I didn’t need encouragement to read.

I have found though that with becoming a stay at home mom, running my photography business, and starting this blog, I really don’t read as much as I used to. This year I plan on reading so much more! For self development AND for fun.

Starting my list are books for self development because it is incredibly important to never give up on making yourself the best you can be.

Self Development Books

1. “The Unveiled Wife: Embracing Intimacy with God and Your Husband” by Jennifer Smith

I absolutely love following the Unveiled Wife. Finding other like-minded women is one of the best ways I find encouragement, even if I don’t know them personally. In my last post, I talked about her other books, Wife After God: Drawing Closer to God & Your Husband, Husband After God: Drawing Closer To God And Your Wife, Thirty-One Prayers For My Husband: Seeing God Move in His Heart, and Thirty-One Prayers For My Wife: Seeing God Move In Her Heart that I got for DJ and I. But what I am looking forward to in this book, is that it reinforces the fact that God can create an intimacy in your marriage like no other. This book talks about the struggles in her marriage in the beginning and how God helped them. While DJ and I aren’t struggling in our marriage, it can always be stronger, and that is what I am hoping this book can help me do.

the unveiled wife book

 

2. “If You Only Knew: My Unlikely, Unavoidable Story of Becoming Free” by Jamie Ivey

I have recently gotten into listening to podcasts, and one of my favorite podcasts is Goal Digger with Jenna Kutcher. On one of her recent podcasts she interviewed Jamie Ivey, who has the podcast Happy Hour. I started listening to her podcast as well and learned about her book that she just released. In one of the podcasts, her husband interviews her (and they are the absolute cutest) and I learned a little bit more about what is in her book. I immediately went to Amazon and added it to my cart because she talked about struggles that she went through that I find myself going through. Embarrassing struggles that make me feel all alone, and in her book she lets all the mess out and talks about how Jesus helped her. I believe everyone should read this because who doesn’t have a past that they are ashamed of? I cannot wait for this book to help me come to terms with my past and be able to share it and help others as well.

if you only knew book

3. “Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living” by Shauna Niequist

Just the title of this book makes me want to read it. I am constantly focusing on everything I need to do; my photography, growing the blog, taking care of SJ, getting ready for AJ, being the best wife I can be for DJ, trying to spend time with God, doing everything I can to keep our life together. And I just feel frantic, my mind never stops, and I think this book will help me slow down, focus on what needs to be focused on, and be a better me.


present over perfect


4. “Mom Set Free: Find Relief from the Pressure to Get It All Right” by Jeannie Cunnion

This goes with why I want to read the last book as well, but focuses more on the mom aspect on my life. I feel as if I am constantly judged on how I mother SJ, and soon AJ as well. I am always being questioned in the decisions DJ and I decide on how to raise the girls. I feel like I am under constant pressure to be the perfect mom, to get it all right, to prove that my decisions are valid and what is right for our family. It is simply exhausting. In Jeannie Cunnion’s book, it talks about parenting through the gospel to “empowers us to live—and parent—in the freedom for which Christ has set us free.” What mom doesn’t need that relief?

mom set free book

5. “The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands“ by Lysa TerKeurst

I love Lysa TerKeurst! I recently finished her book “Uninvited” and it was phenomenal. It felt real, and that’s what I love in an author. I am a total people pleaser, I have a hard time telling people no because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. In this book she talks about understanding the commandment to love one another, escaping the guilt of saying no, and getting past the endless demands put on our lives today.

the best yes book

Just as important as it is to read for self development, I definitely believe in reading for fun. One of my favorite parts of reading is getting completely lost in a book. It’s like a vacation to me. I have an overactive imagination so when I say I get lost in a book, I completely mean it. I have been very focused on reading self development books and after too much, it starts to feel like a chore, which is why reading a good fiction book is a must!

 

Fiction and Fun Faith-Based Books

6. “Woman of God” by James Patterson and Maxine Paetro

 I bet you didn’t expect to see a James Patterson book on this list! I was surprised when I found this book too. I am a tad bit torn after reading reviews as it hits on a long going conflict in the Catholic Church of women’s roles and it talks about women with roles such as priests and even pope. But, I have never been one to shy away from reading something controversial even if I don’t agree with it. It sounds interesting enough to get on my list though as a break from the books I have been reading and to get back into a bit of fiction.

woman of god james patterson

7. “Angels Walking: A Novel” (Book 1 of 3) by Karen Kingsbury

Every now and then you just need a good love story, or series. I was a bit confused when I first found this series on Amazon because each one says it is a novel, but it is indeed a series. I am a sucker for a cheesy, romantic love story, but so many out there now just seem like they are all about one thing: sex. And I’ll be honest, I’ve read a lot of them. But recently, I find myself just being uncomfortable reading them. So when I found a genre section on Amazon titled “Religious Romance” I couldn’t pass it up. Also, Karen Kingsbury is a New York Times Best Selling Author, so I know these books have to be good.

8. “The Masterpiece” by Francine Rivers

This book was just released today (February 6th). It is another book I found in the Religious Romance section, and I pre-ordered it as soon as I saw it. It’s about an artist and his new assistant, how they both wrestle with demons of their past, and how something changes the course of their relationship. It has drama, suspense, love, art, and hints at having a faith base to it as well. I absolutely cannot wait to dive into this fiction novel since it has been so long since I have read something just for fun and not just for self development.

the masterpiece francine rivers

9. “Love’s Return: A Christian Romance“(Protected by Love Book 1 of 3) by T.K. Chapin

This is another series I look forward to reading that is just all about love and God coming back into two people’s lives; “God’s love can return to our lives when we allow Him into our hearts, minds and soul. It’s only through the softening of our heart can we find the healing that we need.” It sounds like it has the drama and romance that this hopeless romantic bookworm needs!

Current Reads

10. “She’s Still There: Rescuing the Girl in You“ by Chrystal Evans Hurst

This is one of the books I found on my trip to Target. I absolutely love it so far because it talks about looking at your past and overcoming it to find who you are really meant to be. And I just love the way Chrystal writes! Just like Lisa TerKeurst, it feels real and like she is talking directly to you.

11. “100 Days to Brave: Devotions for Unlocking Your Most Courageous Self” by Annie F. Down

This is the devotional I found on that trip to Target as well. It is just a couple pages each day to work on becoming braver, stronger, confident. Being someone who has never had much confidence in herself, I am hoping that at the end of the 100 days, I will be able to be the me God wants me to be to share his word.

What books are on your reading list?

7 Things to Do for Lent to be a Better Mother and Wife (That isn’t Giving Up Chocolate)

I grew up in a religion where whenever Lent was coming up, the question, “What are you giving up for Lent?” was asked. The reasoning behind giving something up for lent is to reflect on the time that Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights. The Bible talks about this in Matthew 4. I understood that, we were trying to be more Christ-like by giving something up. But what is always the first thing given up? Food, drink, some habit, something physical, recently a lot of people give up social media. That is all great, every time you go to reach for that chocolate, or soda, or catch yourself saying a swear word, or going to grab your phone, you think of Jesus, you pray, you reflect. That is awesome! But what happens at the end of the 40 days…you go back to whatever it is you gave up. There is no real change in your heart. I remember one year I gave up soda for Lent, and it was torture for my teenage self. Then on Easter I was so excited to have a Dr. Pepper with lunch! You know what happened, I was on the couch with a headache the rest of the day. I still drank soda after that, but not as much. It actually did create a change, and started my mind going about how Lent should actually change us. But it didn’t change me how this time during the Liturgical Year really should…

 

A few years later, our priest was giving a homily about Lent and he said something that forever changed my perspective; Lent isn’t just about giving something up, Lent is about growing closer to God. And he asked, is what you are doing truly bringing you closer to God? After that, I looked at what I was “giving up” in a different light. I no longer give up something such as food or social media, I give up ways that are pushing me away from Christ, I give up time that I would be doing something else to instead spend time with God. I go on a 40 day sprint to grow my faith. We should always be working on growing our faith, but think of Lent as like one of those health programs, you spend however many days doing it “hardcore” to work your way into it being a part of your lifestyle. That is what Lent is for your faith. And I didn’t have to give up chocolate, because giving up chocolate is never okay.

 

Here are 7 things you can do in your sprint to a stronger faith this Lent to be a better wife, mother, and Christian.
I highly suggest picking a few of these, though.

 

1. Start a Marriage Devotional
This is one thing I plan on doing this Lent, and hopefully getting DJ on board as well. Since Lent starts on Valentine’s day this year, I got us the “Thirty One Prayers for my Marriage” bundle and the “Husband and Wife After God Devotional” bundle from Unveiled Wife. He doesn’t know it yet, but that’s my present to him, as well as his present to me. All I want for Valentine’s Day is to do this devotional at night and put away our phones!

 

Spending at least these 40 days devoting your marriage to God and focusing on not only God but each other will most definitely be the starting point for your marriage to continue to grow after the Easter season has come and gone. You would be surprised how immensely your marriage and your faith go hand in hand when one or the other grows stronger.

 

There are lots of devotionals you can do together, or on your own. You can check out my Marriage Pinterest Board for some ideas or visit the Unveiled Wife.

 

2. Start a Motherhood Devotional
This is one I plan to do eventually, but I am reading a few too many books at the moment. The books on my to read list are “Pressing Pause” by Karen Ehman & Ruth Schewnk, as well as “31 Prayers for My Daughter” by Jennifer & Aaron Smith on the Unveiled Wife (they also have a “31 Prayers for my Son“). By giving up time that I would spend doing who knows what, I can instead work on becoming a better mother that focuses on raising my daughters in Christ rather than focusing on the repetitive motions of each day as a stay at home mom. I can’t wait to get started on these because it will breathe a little bit more life into this job I already love.

 

3. Start a Devotional for YOU
To be a better anything, you need to be a better YOU! As wives and mothers, we constantly put ourselves on the back burner. I don’t have the time or the money to do things such as get massages or pedicures, which are physical things and absolutely fantastic to do for yourself when you can. I needed to find something that was for me, that helped me spiritually, not just physically. Remember my post about when God sent me to Target, well he brought me to a devotional called “100 Days to Brave” by Annie F. Downs, as well as a book called “She’s Still There” by Chrystal Evans Hurst. I highly suggest these books as well as the book “Uninvited” by Lisa TerKeurst, which I just finished not too long ago.

 

These books and devotionals have given me so much perspective on my life and have truly given me the courage to work towards becoming the best Christian I can be,  not just the best me I can be. I’ll admit, it can be really hard to find time to actually sit down and read these, but I have been working to devoting at least 15 minutes a day to reading and meditating. What’s worked for me is reading my daily devotional (it’s two small pages, I promise you can do it) and then reading one chapter a day. Even if that means letting SJ watch cartoons for 15 minutes while I sit down and read a chapter.

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4. Work on Focusing Growing Your Faith With Your Children
This is a great way to introduce your kids to the idea of using Lent as a way to focus on growing with God. But, if you want to stick with the idea of giving something up, you could use giving up video games or play time to pray with you or just talk about faith. SJ is too young to do this, but I am always looking for ways to do things with the girls to teach them about God when they are older. I found a book called “Jesus Calling: 365 Devotions for Kids” by Sarah Young. It starts on January 1st, so you could skip ahead and start on the day Lent starts (this year it is February 14th), and then hopefully by doing it through Lent it will become routine and you will be able to go through the whole book. After all, this is all about focusing on a change after Lent ends.

 

5. Plan More Time to Do Activities with Your Kids
This one isn’t directly faith based, but it will give you the reboot in motherhood that you need and the inspiration to do more in your faith journey. This doesn’t have to be every day – set a goal for 3 times a week doing a type of specific activity with your child. This works great for smaller children that can’t quite understand doing prayer time with them like in the last idea. For SJ and I, this has been spending 20 minutes after nap time doing arts and crafts, reading, or just actually playing. I know, you’re thinking: “Shouldn’t you be doing that already? You’re a stay at home mom.” Okay, let me laugh a little bit, because along with the stay at home mom stigma of doing activities all day with my kids, I am also expected to have a spotless house, no laundry, and dinner on the table when my husband gets home.

 

Spoiler; none of that happens when you are a stay at home mom. It’s trying to balance everything and working to get something, ANYTHING, done to feel productive. Which means my brain is constantly thinking of what needs to be getting done. By focusing on taking 20-30 minutes a day on just an activity with SJ, I have to put all of that on hold, and it is hard sometimes. Especially if I catch a glimpse of the dirty dishes, pile of random things on the table that needs organized, or the mounding piles of laundry. Instead, I focus on her. I play with her. I forget about everything else and I just be her mom.

 

So if you want to put it in terms of giving something up, give up some stress, give up time doing chores, give up focusing on your house. It will definitely help you be a better mom and feel better about yourself. I suggest doing this one with another idea as well.

 

6. Make an Effort to Spend Time Talking with Your Spouse about Faith
If doing an entire devotional with your spouse seems too much right now, talk to them about just spending one or two nights a week taking time to actually sit and talk about God and your faith. This one can be a little awkward if this isn’t something you already do, so a few points to start with could just be:

 

  • Talking about what each of your faith lives was like growing up.
  • How each of you bring God into your personal lives (i.e. daily prayers, saying the “rope prayers,” or how God isn’t as present as you would like).
  • Ideas each of you have to have God more present in your marriage and/or daily lives.
  • Work on praying together, even if it is just saying an Our Father every night before bed out loud together
  • Read a bible verse or passage and talk about what it means to you (hint: check out my Marriage Pinterest Board for ideas).
  • Text them a bible verse everyday for the duration of Lent. My favorite way is with the YouVersion Bible App on my iPhone. I can access verses straight from my keyboard by choosing a topic and then finding a verse, or even verses that are in an image like something you would see on Pinterest.

 

This is one idea that I highly suggest doing with something else to be able to fully immerse yourself in the whole 40 days of Lent. The next one especially.

 

7. Spend Time with God’s Word Everyday or as Often as Possible
Last year for Lent I devoted at least 3-4 days a week to have a set time that I spent in my bible. Usually it was during SJ’s morning nap or I would wake up early. I started by just trying to read the Bible from the beginning, but that didn’t work for me. So I just started asking God to lead me where he needed me to be and opening up His word to a random place and reading. I used The Message Canvas Bible, because it was a journaling bible as well and had coloring pages in it too. I would read until I came to a spot to color, then reflect on what I had just read while I colored. It was an amazing stress reliever.

 

I can attest that doing this throughout Lent created a huge change in me and led me to the path God wanted me on. It led me to start this blog. After this, Lent has held a special place in my heart and I hope this change of heart about what Lent is about can be the same for you.

 

Do you do something different for Lent other than the typical giving something up?

 

Almost There | Third Trimester Updates

 

I did it! We are 2/3 of the way to meeting our baby girl. I’ll be honest, my post from the beginning of my pregnancy still holds true, I hate being pregnant. 28 weeks in and I am still on my nausea medicine with no end in sight…but, I will take nausea over preterm labor and bedrest any day!

 

On that note, I have officially been cleared for no more cervical length checks! Let’s do a little happy dance *insert dancing emoji here.* The weekend I hit 27 weeks, I was a total ball of nerves. I knew that the preterm labor was because of the slip in my kitchen, but I just could not get over that anxiety of “What if it wasn’t because of the fall, what if it happens again?” It’s hard not to have that. But little miss has been perfectly content staying where she is, and unlike her sister at that point, was still breech. But I am pretty sure she has flipped since, because the constant shots to my cervix have now turned into constant shots to my ribs. And I can tell when she sticks her cute little butt out and makes that little bump at the top of my stomach. Oh, and we can also do a little happy dance for passing my glucose test! I feel like that was the official victory to the end of the second and heading into the last -and feels like the longest- trimester.

 

I feel like I am going into the third trimester as a first time mom. I really don’t know what to expect. I had to ask my midwife what appointments happen when since I was in the hospital until 29 weeks and then had appointments every week after that until I had SJ. I was tested multiple times for GBS because of the preterm labor, I was constantly monitored so I never had a non-stress test, I had daily and then weekly sonograms where they did the estimated weight (and so much more), so I’m completely lost. Then on top of that, I wasn’t allowed to move basically my entire third trimester except for the last two weeks. I have never had to deal with the total discomfort that comes with the biggest growth spurt of the entire pregnancy. And especially having to get used to it for the first time with a toddler! I have had to slow down immensely and I am not used to it at all. I have always been an active person and can pretty much move my body however I want, so this has been a little weird not being able to get up, not being able to bend over, and yes I know it is all totally normal for a pregnant lady to do these things, but it is just plain weird for me to get used to!

 

Speaking of my toddler…with the third trimester has come a bit more of an adventurous side to SJ. She now climbs on EVERYTHING, and the other morning she fell out of her crib. I feel like the worst mom ever. Other than a few times where she has thrown her leg on the railing when I walk in to get her and me telling her “No, Mommy has to get you out,” I never thought she would actually try to get out of her crib. Of course in hindsight, yes I totally should have seen it coming because it’s SJ and she has always been our daredevil. I immediately texted my brother (my personal nurse who I am sure hates all my questions) and asked what to be on the look out for, he told me and also told me to transition to a toddler bed. But, she is definitely not ready for a toddler bed. Then on the other hand, do I really want to start that transition after the baby comes?? Sounds like a conversation DJ and I will have to have, until then her crib will just get lowered to the lowest mattress setting…but if you could let me know your experiences with this, I would really appreciate it!

 

 

I’ve had to find ways to keep SJ busy and still taking it easy on myself. One way has been arts and crafts! It’s hard to find the time, and I definitely have to do it on days that I have a little bit more energy than usual. For Christmas, a lot of the ideas I gave grandparents were paints, different things to use with the paint that inspired sensory play, modeling dough and different tools to use with those, and if you read my post about what we got SJ for Christmas, I also got her some stamp activity books from Usborne books. Then I just got a splat mat to put under her IKEA table she also got for Christmas from my step grandma, and she can go to town! Don’t get me wrong though, we do a lot of cuddling and movie watching right now as well. Pregnancy with a toddler is just kinda survival mode most the time!

 

But back to the baby, our poor nameless baby. With SJ it was easy, I was 5 weeks when we had both names decided on before we even knew if it was a boy or a girl. Simple. Done. We both loved her name. This time around, I am in love with a name! It feels right, it feels like her name. DJ on the other hand, isn’t the biggest fan. But he also can’t come up with a name that he loves. I said we have to be done having kids after this because otherwise they will be completely nameless! We have to come to a conclusion by Valentines Day though, because that is the last possible date I can order her blanket. That’s how we tell our family the name, a blanket and matching hat with her first and middle name. That’s how we did it with SJ, so I have to be fair and do it for this baby as well. SJ has that keepsake in her baby box, she has newborn photos with her blanket and hat, how can I not do it for this baby as well?! I mean look how cute she is! So keep watch for any posts after Valentines Day, maybe I’ll “slip” and put her initials in a post…

newborn monogrammed blanket

Raising Our Daughters with Intent

Raise your daughter with intent
“As bad as you are, you know how to give good things to your children, How much more, then, will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
-Luke 11:13
When I was pregnant with SJ, man I had it all planned out! I was going to be the perfect mom. I knew everything I was going to do. I knew how I was going to handle every situation; I thought I was going to be super mom. Then I met my sweet little 7 pound 6 ounce baby girl and realized something… I knew nothing. It definitely helped that I had read so much, looked at all the different parenting techniques, and prepared myself (or attempted to). It may have not made me super mom right off the bat, but it at least gave me an idea of the mom I want to be. Which is really the best starting point you can have, because lets face it, does anyone really KNOW how to be a mom? There will always be curveballs, there will always be days we doubt ourselves, heck there will be days where we wish our kids would just go away for an hour, and that’s okay!

 

I’m not an expert at parenting, and I don’t claim to be. That isn’t the purpose of my blog. This blog is my way of sharing what I’m doing and learning as a young mom, and a way to hold me accountable to continue to work at becoming a better mother and wife. One of the ways I am doing that is focusing on raising my daughters with intent. But what does that really mean?
It means that I’m not always going to do things how I want to. I’m going to break and have moments of weakness, but I will take all those ideals I had when I was pregnant, and work my hardest to be that mom that I want to be, so that I can give them the best chance I can to grow into good people. We will always keep that intent to raise them how we want as a guide to be the mom, the dad, and the parents we want to be.

 

I was 21 when DJ and I got engaged, 22 when we got married and I got pregnant with SJ shortly after, 23 when I had her, 24 when I got pregnant with baby girl #2, and I will be 25 when I have her. In my opinion, not terribly young. But, the amount of people who made comments that I was too young blew my mind. It also put a lot of doubt in my mind. Would I be a good mom? Could I be a good wife? Was I too young? I questioned myself constantly. They told me I needed to see the world, that I needed to wait and do what I wanted to do first.
But here is what those people don’t know, I am doing what I want to do. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom and a wife. Above any type of career path, that is what I have wanted. So I have been dreaming about how to be a good mom and wife since I was a little girl. I have had this intent since before I knew what either one truly was. I didn’t have to have the “life experiences” or mark things off my bucket list before I could embark on this journey – that doesn’t always make you ready. Nothing makes you ready. I’ll be honest, before DJ and I got married, I was definitely not the best partner. We have always had an amazing relationship, but I was not the greatest person.
After we got married, that changed. I lived with intent. Intent to be a good wife. Intent to be a good mom. And these are just a few ways that I am raising my daughter (soon to be daughters) with intent.
“But a woman will be saved through having children, if she preservers in faith and love and holiness, with modesty.”
-1 Timothy 2:15

Eating Healthy and Taking Care of Their Bodies

We took a more untraditional route when we started SJ on solid food. We did what’s called Baby Led Weaning (compared to Traditional Weaning which is purees and spoon feeding). To say we got a little pushback from family is an understatement. But I am a researcher. Part of being a “millennial” I guess you could say. I looked at pros and cons of both ways and we decided this was the best way to go for in the long run. We loved it. SJ loved it. And for the time being, she eats pretty much anything. Including healthy foods. But this is just the beginning.

Even though she is a year and a half old, I try to show her positive body image. I don’t ever want my girls to feel how I felt about my own body when I definitely shouldn’t have. I intend to teach them to eat healthy, but to love themselves. That your body size is not always an indicator of your health. And to do that, I have to lead by example. But I know that I am going to fail sometimes. Some days she gets chicken nuggets with Mac and cheese for lunch. Some days I look in the mirror and really wish I could just get rid of that little extra weight or be as toned as I used to be . But, by raising them with the intent to eat healthy and take care of their bodies, doesn’t mean I am going to succeed 100% of the time. I can only look to that intention as a guide.

 

How to Use Their Imagination

As I said earlier, I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. Which means my all time favorite thing to do as a little girl was play house! I loved it. I loved pretend play. Most of my memories as a child involve some type of make believe and I want that for my daughters. I try to play with SJ as often as I can with her blocks, sensory bin, dolls, and really any other type of toy that doesn’t involve the TV.

I try to avoid toys that are battery operated and go more for blocks, musical instruments, coloring, and other types of activities. BUTTTTT….most days we take a break and cuddle and watch a movie. She definitely has her screen time, but I try to always put play above that. She’s starting to understand pretend play a little more and has started loving on her baby dolls and already loves her little coffee maker toy set she got at one of our Christmas’. She copies me and makes whatever noise I make when I pour the coffee or do whatever, and will even go off by herself and get it out and play. It is absolutely adorable. But when she starts getting into it more, you better believe we will be playing house whenever possible.

 

To Work Hard and Follow Their Heart

Ever since junior high, I have always had some sort of job. And once I could drive, I usually held at least a couple jobs at once while doing sports and taking advanced classes. Then at 17 I started my own business. Work is something that I have always known. And DJ is the same way. He is the hardest worker I have ever met and does more for our family than I could ever put into words. He also has made it possible for me to live my dream: be a stay at home mom, run my photography business, and start this blog.

And I will work my tail off so that one day I can provide for our family and he can live his dream. I try to teach SJ little things right now about working hard, which hopefully will stick. She puts her dirty clothes in the hamper, she loves to take clothes from the washer and put them in the dryer and even knows how to start the dryer, if she has something that she is done with I walk with her to the garbage and she throws it away, if she wants a snack she helps me get it, she helps put her toys away, if she decides to throw the dog food or her Cheerios she has to help me clean it up, and she has to say please. We are still working on thank you, but hey she’s only 17 months old, I think she’s doing pretty good. I want her to know what it is to work hard. But I want her to follow her heart too. I never want my girls to be unhappy what they are doing. That’s why I am so incredibly thankful that DJ has made it possible for them to see me following my heart and doing what I love. Which is why I plan to work as hard as I possibly can to show them that they can too.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people”
-Colossians 3:23

Show Them What a True Loving Marriage Looks Like

DJ and I have always agreed that our marriage comes first (after God of course). We have seen too many times where the children come first in a family dynamic, and it ends up becoming detrimental to the parents’ relationship. We don’t want that. I talked before about how well DJ and I communicate in my post Communication in a Marriage with a Quiet Husband, and that is just one way we want to lead by example to our girls. One day, they will go off and get married. We want them to be good wives, and find a partner that can be there and love and support them and for them to understand how that should be, not how society now a days says it is “okay” to be. Sorry girls, but PDA will always be present in our house to teach you this.

 

To Love and Put God First

DJ and I have a relationship with God, and we are working on our relationship as a married couple with God, but now it isn’t just about us and our private relationship with God. We have to show our girls that. We try to remember to say our mealtime prayer, we bring SJ to mass every weekend, and we have lots of books that we read to her that talk about God. Whenever I put her down for a nap, and on the nights I put her to bed, if she isn’t in her super crabby mood, we pray. I read her “My First Prayers” book that talks about how to pray and then I pray. Whether it is praying for people, thanking God, or praying the “rope prayers” that us Catholics tend to turn to when we just don’t know what to say. My biggest intention in raising our daughters is to teach them the best I can to love God. Because if they know they have Him, then hopefully they can also live their lives with the intent to be the best person they can be. I don’t know if these things will help her truly be close to God when she is older, but all I can do now is raise her with the intent that it does, and let her make her decision when she is older.

 

“Those who come to me cannot be my disciples unless they love me more than they love father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and themselves as well.”
-Luke 14:26
None of us will be perfect parents. We will never know how our kids will turn out no matter what we do. New research about how to parent comes out every 5 seconds, it changes constantly, there is no right or wrong way. The only thing we can do as parents is to raise our children with intent. Not raising them just in the moment, not raising them as children, but raising them to be good people. To do the best we can now, so that maybe it will all work out when they are older. We can’t control the future, we can only try to give them the best chance we can.

 

My Toddler’s Christmas List…On a Budget

toddler christmas on a budget

 

This year has been a tad bit tighter for us than years past. Between remodeling our house and putting up the shed, there were a lot more expenses that we weren’t planning on, despite trying to save money wherever we could. Which means our Christmas budget had to be a lot tighter than usual. I understand that our Christmas budget is more than a lot of people’s, and next year I plan on trying to cut back a little more just for the sake of simplicity.

 
Simplicity has been the theme I have been trying to work into our lives. I’m not a minimalist by any means, but I do love when things are simple and organized. But you wouldn’t think that if you walked into my house right now after a weekend with a sick toddler. With that theme in mind though, I tried to avoid anything that was battery operated, which is what I generally try to achieve with her toys anyways (with small exceptions). Her favorite toys are blocks, books, and balls. She’s pretty easy to please. But I also tried to get things that could also be educational. Starting with…

 

1. Books!

I LOVE books. I have a slight obsession. I even have books I collect simply because they look cool, but then I also have the classics. I have anywhere from sci-fi romance to art history books. And I completely intend to pass this addiction onto my girls.

 
Despite how basic books are, they can be expensive! It’s crazy how fast a few books can add up. So I had an Usborne online book party. No one had to come over, no one had to feel obligated to buy anything, but it’s the perfect time of year for friends to get some Christmas presents for their little ones. I had a pretty small party and only a few people bought, but I was still able to get $100 worth of books for $25! These are the books I got her:

  • “The New Baby”
    • Obviously with a new baby coming in April, I want to start introducing the idea to SJ more and more. This seemed like the perfect book.
  • “That’s Not My Monster”
    • SJ’s current favorite movie is Monsters University. She doesn’t sit and watch TV, but she will sit and watch this entire movie. So I had to get her a book with monsters. I’m sure I will be able to recite the book as well as I can recite the movie by the New Year.
  • “Baby’s Very First Touchy Feely Colors Play Book” and “Baby’s Very First Touchy Feely Animals Play Book”
    • I already have the Baby’s Very First Touchy-Feely-Lift-The-Flap Play Book and she LOVES it. Sensory play is so important at this age and she will sit there and just feel all the spots. There are lots of touchy-feely books out there, we have even received some as gifts, but they just don’t compare the colors of the Usborne ones. And they hold up so well! SJ picks these over her other books all the time.
  • “1001 Things to Spot in Fairyland”
    • She probably won’t be able to use this one for a little while, but it will be great for her cognitive skills when she can use it. And, if she’s anything like me, she will find it extremely fun! I don’t know who will be more excited for it, her to be able to use it, or me to be able to use it with her!
  • “Fingerprint Activities Animals”
    • I love that Usborne has activity books as well as regular books. I’ve been trying to let go of my inner OCD a little bit and let Sutton make messes, like with a rice sensory bin. Which is why on her list from others who buy for her are things like finger paint and model dough. But this book has the stamp pad attached and she just needs her fingers! It will be a nice switch from her usual coloring books and crayons.
  • “Rubber Stamp Activities”
    • This one is very similar to the fingerprint activity book, but will help her with her hand eye coordination a little more. It also means that I have to be involved with her more when she uses this book, which is something else I definitely was thinking about when purchasing these books. I love being able to do activities with her.
  • “Alphabet Sticker Book”
    • Are you catching a theme here? I tried to incorporate a lot of learning in with these books. Especially since I’m a stay at home mom, SJ doesn’t have anywhere where she goes to socialize or take part in daycare activities that help learning. Which means I want to do as much as that with her at home as I can. This book not only helps with the alphabet, but will also help with hand eye coordination.

I got all these books for just a bit over $25! I highly recommended having an online Usborne Book Party! You can contact my consultant here to book yours! And it doesn’t matter where in the US you live! My consultant was absolutely fabulous and we did everything over Facebook, so you don’t have to worry about distance.

Sorry I don’t have photos of these adorable books because I just closed my party today!

 

2. Melissa and Doug Let’s Play House! Dust, Sweep, and Mop Set

SJ is an awesome little helper around the house…most of the time. She loves to help feed the dogs, put her dirty clothes in the hamper, do the laundry in general (pretty sure by the time she’s 2 she will completely be doing her own laundry), and with help, she’s pretty good at putting her toys away. I figured this play set was the perfect present for her and maybe I can get the floors clean a little faster while it keeps her busy “helping.”

I got it on Zulily for $19.79 with free shipping! On Amazon (my go to), it’s $23.24, you can get that one here. So not a huge difference, but I’ll take whatever savings I can get. I did a lot of other Christmas Shopping on Zulily this year as well because you can get some awesome deals. You just have to start early, because shipping can sometimes take up to 3 weeks.

melissa doug sweep set

 

3. Summer Infant My Size Potty

 I tend to use Christmas to be a tad practical too. SJ’s pediatrician told us that toddlers usually become interested in potty training between 18-24 months. And while I definitely am not planning on starting potty training soon (especially with a new baby coming, chances are it will all backfire), she has been showing very early signs of potty training. I figure we might as well have it there to start introducing the idea.

I love this one because it looks “real.” And its design is simple. I’m not a huge fan of overly emphasized kid products covered in cartoon characters, I like when things can mesh in with our house well, but still are kid friendly. You can get this one for about $21 on Amazon.

 Don’t mind the box…it came like that…

 

 potty training

 

4. Clothes

Every year I go on a shopping trip with family out to Iowa City and we always go the Saturday after Thanksgiving. So the day after Black Friday. I have never once gone Black Friday Shopping. I don’t enjoy the idea of the chaos at all, and there’s never been anything that I just have to get that will be gone if I’m not there at 2 AM. The best part about when we go, all the Black Friday deals are still going on! There’s not as many crowds, and we still get the deals, a win-win in my book.

I love Old Navy’s kids clothes. They’re cute, simple, affordable, and hold up wonderfully. At the outlet mall this year, they had 50% off your entire purchase. I went a little crazy. I was only planning on getting her one or maybe two outfits this year, but instead I got her 3 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, and a dress. One of the shirts though I got because they had a matching onesie and how can I not get the girls their first matching outfit?! So I was able to get all that for about $70. A tad bit more than I wanted to spend, but still a good deal. And I mean seriously, look at the cuffs on those little boyfriend cut jeans, how do you pass those up?!

 old navy toddler clothes toddler clothes ideas toddler outfit idea toddler girl clothes
 Carters also had their $8 PJ deal going on as well and I was able to get her 2 pairs of fleece footie pajamas. And they had $5 door buster jammies that I was able to snag for our Christmas PJs and cookies day with my best friend and her kids.
toddler footie pajamas
And I have to get her bows! I’ve been slacking on my bow collection for SJ, and as much as I love going through Etsy for bows…I turned to Amazon. So I got her 11 bows for around $18. I’m really wishing I would have gone to Etsy though because I’m sure I could have found the same deals and been able to support small businesses. Lesson learned.
 toddler bows

 

5. Puzzles

I don’t know if you’ve ever been sucked into the 1, 3, 5, 10 section at Target…but it’s my weak spot. This time though, it turned out for the best. I got 3 little puzzles for $3 each. Which is perfect for a one year old. She can work on hand eye coordination and cognitive skills matching while having fun, and I don’t have to worry about losing a piece of an expensive puzzle.
 target puzzles for toddlers

 

6. DVD

The one thing I got her that involves screen time…but movies are SJ and I’s bonding time. One of our favorite things to do is cuddle and watch a movie. And I caved and asked my mom to get her a DVD player for the car to use for all the trips to my doctors appointments since we are in the car for over an hour each way.

Target still had their DVD Black Friday specials, so I got Stork (in keeping with the loose theme of expecting a baby), for $10.

 

7. Pottery Barn Overstuffed Anywhere Chair

The one thing I completely splurged on…whoops. I went back and forth for a good month on this one. Trying to find a cheaper version I liked, justifying spending that much on a chair, talking with DJ about if we should get it, but I’m glad we did. This is what I cannot wait to see her reaction to on Christmas morning. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning waiting to see her reaction!

Little miss independent loves sitting in her little, wicker, rocking chair to eat her snacks or take a break and watch a few minutes of cartoons. But, it’s getting small for her, isn’t the most comfortable, she tips it over very easily, and despite trying to keep a blanket on it she has shredded up the front of it from climbing on and off. The pottery barn chair is bigger, durable, and comfortable. If you follow my Instagram stories, you saw that even I can fit comfortably in this overstuffed chair. Which means she will be able to use it for years to come. And I got it personalized because I have a slight obsession with getting my kid’s name on stuff (probably why DJ won’t verbally agree to the name I want for Baby, so I don’t go buy everything I can with her name on it). And next year I will splurge to get one for Baby #2 because I have to be fair between them.

But even with getting this chair on sale, it still cost just under $140 plus some ridiculous shipping charges. So….if you want to stick with keeping a small budget, this chair should probably not be on your list. Though I’m sure you can find another chair for a reasonable price if your heart is set on a chair for your little one. But if you are interested in this adorable chair, this is the one I got SJ.

 

pottery barn kids chair

Without the splurged Pottery Barn Chair, I was able to keep all her presents under $200. With the chair (including the crazy shipping)…right about $350. I stayed within our planned budget, but as I said, our budget is probably a bit higher than a lot of peoples’. Next year, no matter what our financial state might be, I want to try and keep things as simple as possible. Especially if we will have 2 to buy for! We are beyond lucky to have amazing family that spoil SJ, and while we enjoy being able to spoil her too, I know she is going to be getting lots of other things for Christmas and we can step back and just enjoy Christmas rather than stressing over what we are going to get her.

If you want to try and keep things simple, the best rule of thumb to follow that you’ve probably heard of is the “something to wear, something to read, something they need, and something they want” rule. I very loosely followed it this year…but it is up to you how close you want to follow it! It helped me not go overboard like I usually do.

 

What are your plans for Christmas for your little ones this year?!

 

My Nursing Aversions and Pregnancy Anxiety

Faith and pregnancy

 

This post was originally going to be an update about the pregnancy so far, and I was going to do another post later talking about my anxiety and all the forms it has come in. But I wanted to share it all now, because this is what has been heavy on my mind and heart. There are really 2 parts to my anxiety this pregnancy: why I believe I have it this pregnancy due to my complications with SJ, as well as how it all started with my nursing aversions.

So lets start from the beginning with a little story time.

My Pregnancy experience with SJ

I talked about before how I came to terms this pregnancy with hating being pregnant. The beginning of this pregnancy was a lot like with SJ, I was sick. I lost about 10 pounds because I just couldn’t eat. I was nauseas 24/7 and just felt awful. Pretty much any pregnancy induced sickness you could get, I did. I had a UTI for a good 3 months. Then when the nausea passed, the UTI passed, and I started to feel better – I got a terrible ear infection because of what the ENT doctor told me is called pregnancy rhinitis. It got so bad and the walk in clinic wouldn’t treat me because I was pregnant and told me it was a “burst blood vessel.” I ended up in the ER with dehydration because the pain was making me throw up. Other than all that, I had a decent pregnancy. Until 27 weeks. This is where my current anxiety starts.

At exactly 27 weeks, I slipped in my kitchen. I landed on my knee, didn’t hit my belly, never landed on my butt, partly caught myself on the chair so I didn’t land all the way down. I twisted my ankle and had a little bruise on my knee. I sat down and told work I might be a little late because I wanted to sit and make sure everything was okay. I didn’t have cramping, I didn’t have contractions, baby was moving fine, I never had any bleeding. The rest of the day went fine other than a sore knee and ankle. I didn’t think anything of it. The next morning I was having intermittent back pain and some menstrual like cramping, it came about every 10 minutes and lasted a minute or two…I knew something was wrong.

I got to work and was texting my cousin who is an OB nurse and she told me to call my doctor right away. I had to wait until they opened at 8, I was terrified. When they said they wanted to see me, I broke down. My mom came and got me from work and we made the hour trek to my doctor office. After being monitored, it was determined I was having high frequency, low intensity contractions and they sent me to the hospital. At that point DJ headed down from work. They did a sonogram and didn’t see anything wrong but kept me overnight to be monitored. The next day, late afternoon, they released me. But I was still having the contractions.

The following day, Saturday, I was still having contractions, but more frequently. I laid down, I drank water, I waited until DJ got home from work and we ate, then called my doctors office’s after hours line. They wanted to see me again and told me to go straight to the hospital as the office was closed.

We went down and I was put back on the monitor, they said it didn’t seem like anything to be worried about and if they could just get a solid 20 minute reading of the baby’s heart rate I would be good to go. Great! Then the on call doctor came in to check me, she could feel the baby’s head and I was 70% effaced and starting to dilate. It was like my world spun out of control. I was suddenly being taken off monitors, given steroid shots for her lungs, getting ready to be moved to a room, an IV being put in and given fluids, penicillin, and magnesium to stop labor. I never wish magnesium upon my worst enemy. They have to do a lot all at once before they can slow it down and it was like my body was on fire from the inside out, everything went wonky, I was throwing up, it was awful. I’ll spare you the rest of the details from what had to be done that night, but it was the scariest night of my life. I thought we were going to lose our baby girl. The next morning my blood pressure bottomed out to 59/37. I barely remember people running into the room, laying my bed back, and honestly I’m not sure what all they did. It was terrifying. Once they stabilized me I got moved to the antepartum ward, given the second steroid shot, and was still on the magnesium and fluids.

The next day they were finally able to get me in for a sonogram and we discovered a large blood clot between the placenta and the uterine wall, I later found out this is called a sub-chorionic hemorrhage or an SCH. I was taken off the magnesium, but still was unsure of what was going to happen. The clot continued to get larger and I had an increase in contractions and cramping. My high risk doctor told me there was a good chance they would have to do an emergency C-section because I was at risk for a placental abruption with the placement and size of the clot. Our goal was to keep her in until 32 weeks. I stayed in the hospital until just after 29 weeks and was sent home on strict bedrest after they believed the clot had stabilized and was starting to reabsorb.

Those 2 weeks in the hospital were the most emotional and scary weeks of my life. DJ stayed with me for the first week, but the second week we needed him to go back to work and he made the 2 hour drive from his work each night to see me. When he had to leave, it was pure torture. For the remaining 7 weeks of bedrest at home, I tried to be positive and throw myself into my work and an amazing friend and mentor gave me access to her online course for free, I was going to turn this into a positive. But I didn’t take into consideration the emotional toll bedrest would put on me. I would start having contractions if I sat upright too long, I had no interaction with other humans during the day, I had no idea what was going to happen with my daughter and when she would come, and my mind just took me down a rabbit hole. Luckily, she stayed put until 38 weeks. My doctors were completely shocked, and I was thankful.

I was never truly convinced that the SCH was from the fall. Maybe worsened, maybe caught because, but not completely because of it. Which has led to anxiety during this pregnancy. Not only do I not think I could handle going through that again, but I don’t think I could go through that again knowing that SJ is at home, or not being able to care for her. So my anxiety isn’t just for my unborn daughter, but for my older daughter. I’m a little more overly cautious, my hypochondria is worse, I’m more emotional, and I have anxiety attacks. Which all started with my nursing aversion.

My Nursing Aversion

I always thought I was going to be that mom that tandem nursed her toddler and infant. I loved nursing. I even looked into becoming a lactation consultant. I enjoyed researching it and everything that came with it. It created a bond that I will forever cherish. So when I started getting this feeling of NOT wanting to nurse SJ, I felt confused, hurt, and guilty. It started during her middle of the night nursing sessions. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I would get mad at her, I wanted to scream, I would feel panicky. During the day I was fine, nursing was actually a God send because it would distract her for 10-15 minutes and I could rest. So I decided to night wean thinking that would solve the problem. Then it started to creep into daytime nursing. I would feel panicky if she wanted to nurse, I just wanted her to stop! I felt beyond guilty. How could I be getting mad at this sweet little girl for wanting her only pure form of comfort that she had known from day 1. How could this one thing that created such a magnificent bond between my daughter and I cause me to want to run and hide?

I didn’t understand it. I thought I could push through it. I had read about nursing aversions, but I never thought it would happen to me. I thought it was a mind over matter situation. I learned one day at 4:30 in the morning that it was not. The very last time I nursed my daughter, I sat in the rocking chair in her room and shook as I let her latch on. I cried, I shook, I was terrified, I was trying not to hyperventilate, I prayed to God that she would just stop. I tried to unlatch her and she fought with all her little might to continue to nurse. I gripped the side of the rocking chair, I shook my hands, I did everything I could to keep my body from pushing that poor little girl away from my body. Once she finally fell back into a deep sleep, I went in my room and sobbed and hyperventilated and took an hour to calm myself down. I was racked by guilt. I knew we had to stop for both of our sakes.

It took a good 2 weeks before she stopped asking to nurse. We went through tantrums and tears from both of us. I thought about just trying one more time, but honestly the thought of it would make me freeze, shake, and tears well up in my eyes.

This lead to the anxiety of would I not want to nurse my second baby? I still fight this anxiety. The what ifs are constantly racking my brain.

What if I can’t nurse my baby? What if we don’t have that bond? What if something happens this pregnancy? What if something happens to me? What if something happens to DJ? What if we get in an accident? What if the house burns down? What if SJ gets kidnapped? What if all of this causes me to have postpartum depression or anxiety? What if my dizziness is a brain tumor?

It has caused this anxiety to spiral out of control. The most ridiculous things cross my mind. The craziest what ifs are like a scrolling board across my thoughts. And sometimes they cause me to go into panic attacks that result in hyperventilating, shaking, uncontrolled sobbing, and everything that comes with anxiety. I have always had slight anxiety, but never to this extent. And it scares the everliving crap out of me.

How I am Handling It

God. My husband. My family. My friends. This blog. That is how I am handling it. I pray, I talk about it, I share my fears with those that care most about me. I write about God, and marriage, and motherhood and hope that I can help one other person out there not feel alone. I trust in God with all I have to know that he will take care of us. That he has a plan for us. Trust me, I just want to keep this all bottled up and not burden anyone with my feelings of anxiety or guilt, but I can’t do this alone. I’m not going to get rid of my anxiety, it’s there. It might fade after the baby comes and everything is okay. But for now, I know my past is going to shape my fears. And that acceptance, is helping.

Halloween Gender Reveal & DIY Gender Reveal Costume

DIY gender reveal idea

It’s a …GIRL! To say I was completely shocked is an understatement. I was 100% convinced it was a boy. This pregnancy has been pretty different (so far) than my first with SJ. With her, all I wanted was sweets and orange juice. I couldn’t even look at pizza or any type of pasta. This time, I want burgers, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, chicken parmesan – all of it. I can’t stand sweets, even though I’m generally a sweets lover. It’s been very emotionally tolling to not even want to look at a Reese’s pumpkin.

I’ve also been carrying different, and I’ve had about 3 or 4 dreams that it was a boy. DJ’s family has all boys, and SJ was the first girl. My family has all girls, so I guessed we would have the first boy on that side. Seriously, everything pointed to a boy!

But, we are over the moon excited that SJ will have a forever best friend.

I cannot wait to watch my girls grow up together. Of course DJ is fine with it because like he says, he’ll still take the girls hunting and work on cars with them. If we had a boy that wouldn’t mean that he would want to go hunting or do any of that anyway. And I know he will forever be wrapped around his little girls’ fingers. And I am pretty excited I get to use #girlmom for all my posts now (it’s the little things)!

My family was convinced it was a boy just like I was. Which made their reactions priceless! They thought I wanted to get photos of their reactions because it was a boy, the fact that it was a girl made their reactions even better! My mother-in-law was the only one who was right by guessing it was a girl! And the best part of everyone’s reaction, was the look that SJ did to mimic their surprise!

gender reveal reaction

gender reveal reaction

gender reveal costume

gender reveal halloween

The costume

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted SJ’s Halloween costume to be our gender reveal. I was a little worried, because my doctor’s office does the peek-a-boo sonogram at 16 weeks for those impatient people like my husband and I. And I turned 16 weeks on Saturday, the 28th. Of course they wouldn’t do it one day early, so I had the weekend to get everything together! I had no idea how I was going to do it. I figured I would have to have it completely planned out, or have two completely different costumes ready to go.

So, I went where every mom goes to get ideas for their kids, Pinterest! I couldn’t believe it. There was NOTHING for a gender reveal costume. I could not find a single thing no matter what I searched, “Gender Reveal Costume,” “Gender Reveal Halloween Costume,” “Older Sibling Gender Reveal,” and so many more. I couldn’t find a thing. Which is when I decided to go literal with it, gender reveal balloon box!
I started putting together my plan to make it. I looked up circle punch cut outs to make the job a little easier, to get a couple different sizes it was going to cost me around $60, and yeah, that was not going to work for me. I didn’t know if I would be able to pull off being able to cut out all those circles, because one, I have no patience, and two, I have arthritis in my right wrist thanks to a lovely snowboarding accident when I was in high school.
Then, during one of my Zulily window shopping moments, I found shirts that said “Will Trade Sister for Candy” and “Will Trade Brother for Candy” which were too cute not to get. I decided to scrap the gender reveal box idea, find another costume for her, and just use the shirts to tell our family.
Well… then I decided to go back to the gender reveal box. Can you tell I’m very indecisive?
And after a trip to Hobby Lobby that cost way more than I was planning, I got everything I needed to make the box. I definitely should have taken more photos while I was doing this, but give me a chance, I’ll get better at these DIY tutorials.

 

DIY materials

  • 3-4 pieces of blue 12×12 scrapbook paper
  • 3-4 pieces of pink 12×12 scrapbook paper
  • 3 different size glass cups
  • Marker
  • Large letter stencils (about 4” tall)
  • X-Acto Knife and/or scissors
  • Cutting Mat
  • High-temp hot glue gun and lots of glue sticks
  • Wide ribbon (without wire)
  • 20” Balloon sticks
  • Decorative Tape
  • Pink or Blue Balloons
  • A small box or 4 pieces of cardboard (making sure they are all the same size or 2 and 2 are the same)
  • Extra-Fine Glitter (Optional)
  • Spray Adhesive (If you use glitter)
  • Spray Glitter Blast Sealer (If you use glitter)
  • Paper plate (If you use glitter)
  • Some type of mask or something to cover your face while using the spray adhesive and sealer
The first thing I did was cut out the letters that said “It’s A…” using the stencils. I made sure I traced them on the back of the paper on the side that wasn’t textured, and that I traced them backwards. This way there were no marker spots on the front of the letter. I used a swivel knife for this, but I wish I would have had my X-Acto knife from my art school days. It definitely would have worked better simply because it’s easier to grip and the blades are stronger.
gender reveal costume
Next, I went on to cutting the circles. Pain. In. The. Butt. I used 3 different size glasses, a regular drinking glass, a smaller juice glass, and a shot glass (the most action that shot glass has ever seen). I used glass cups because the blades will go right through a plastic cup. In the beginning, I started by just putting the glass cups on the paper and cutting around them. I broke about 3 blades doing this. I finally ended up using a marker and tracing the cups, then cutting them out with scissors. The circles looked a million times better and went a heck of a lot faster! Unfortunately, neither option was great for my arthritis.
Next, I started glittering the cardboard! Who doesn’t love glitter?! It definitely gave the box a little more pop.
I had 4 pieces of cardboard that the printing lab I go through uses to send photos with. Luckily, I had two longer pieces for the front and back and two shorter pieces for the sides. But it would be just as easy to use a small box and cut the top and bottom pieces off, or go to an office supply or craft store and find pre cut pieces of cardboard.

I used a scrap piece of cardboard and laid it outside to spray on, then put an old sheet on the floor inside, as well as another piece of scrap cardboard on top of the sheet. I did each piece individually because the spray adhesive dries pretty fast and it absorbs into the cardboard quickly.

If you are pregnant, please use a mask or something else to cover your nose and mouth with while spraying the spray adhesive and sealant, or have someone else do it for you.

Once I sprayed the cardboard with the adhesive, I brought it inside and sprinkled the glitter across it, then tipped the cardboard all ways to make sure it was covered and then poured the extra off onto a paper plate to use to get any spots I missed, or for the next piece. I repeated this for each piece of cardboard. After they had dried, I took each piece back outside and sprayed them with the sealant, so maybe it would help keep the glitter under control just a little bit.
DIY gender reveal
Make sure the pieces are completely dry before you start gluing the letters and dots on or they will not stick. I used my low-temp hot glue gun for these, and I wish I would have had a high-temp glue gun for this part. On Halloween, a lot of the circles ended up falling off. First, I attached the letters, and then I started I putting the dots on. Get creative with this part, mix and match different sizes, don’t be afraid to put the same colors together, keep it random. I did different groups of 1, 2, and 3 dots.

 

After those dried, I started gluing the cardboard pieces together. My low-temp hot glue gun definitely did not cut it, so I borrowed my husband’s aunt’s high-temp hot glue gun. I guess I should probably invest in one of my own. I put the glue on the edge of the smaller piece and then held it to the back of the bigger piece until it set up. Then, I put a thin line on the outside, and put a thicker line on the inside and let it set. I repeated it with all 4 corners.
gender reveal costume idea
While the hot-glue set up, I started wrapping the balloon sticks with the decorative tape. I only had enough tape to cover 17 out of the 20 sticks, and I only put 11 on the box. I originally planned on taping them in a spiral form, but that ended up messing up the design on the tape and would have taken more tape than I had. Instead I cut a piece to the length of the stick, then laid the stick on the edge and rolled it onto the tape. Definitely make sure you press the tape and seal it good, it seemed as if every time I picked one up, it was coming undone.
diy gender reveal
After the cardboard was all set up, I attached the ribbon straps. I definitely suggest using your little one to help measure so it fits well. I had to take a guess because SJ was asleep, and I didn’t want to wait (remember, I have no patience). I decided to use more of a suspenders design so that it was less likely for the straps to fall off.
balloon box costume
Then I used the ribbon to create little pockets in the back corners, and the middle for a place to put the balloon sticks. And that was it! I had it all finished the week before Halloween, and then the day of Halloween I added the balloons since we found out the day before.
After actually dealing with the costume on Halloween, it was a little difficult. SJ couldn’t actually walk the whole time with the costume on. So she rode in the stroller and we had to carry the balloons and the box separate-which was a complete pain. My sister-in-law got the idea that I should have turned the stroller into the box and attached the balloons, I wish I would have thought of that! Or, I at least should have had a second costume simply for trick-or-treating.
Did you do a gender reveal? Tell me all about it!
gender reveal idea
girl gender reveal

Coming to Terms With Hating Being Pregnant

coming to terms with hating being pregnant

I’m not one of those moms who will tell you how amazing pregnancy is, how I just love it, I love the pregnancy glow, and so on and so forth. Because as terrible as this makes me sound…

I hate being pregnant.

Especially the first trimester (and part of the second trimester), because I get sick and feel like I’m not even human most of the time. And then after the sickness fades a bit, I don’t like the feeling it gives me then either.

I will say that I’m incredibly lucky that I don’t get as sick as a lot of people (although it seems like almost every person I talk to hasn’t been as sick as I am). It runs in the family. My mom had hyperemesis gravidarum with both my brother and I, and many of the women on that side of my family get extremely ill with pregnancies. And while I know how lucky I am, it doesn’t make the sickness and pain I have go away.

My morning sickness isn’t like the usual morning sickness, since I don’t throw up. But oh how I wish I could! Maybe then that feeling in the back of my throat (you know, the one that’s there 24/7) will go away for just a short period of time. With SJ I threw up a few times, but I haven’t thrown up at all with this pregnancy. I just have trouble eating, can smell everything which makes the nausea even worse, and have almost fallen asleep in front of the toilet on many occasions because the feeling in my throat got so bad it actually tricked me into thinking I would finally get some relief.

This constant feeling, has turned me into a shell of the wife and mother that I was. I can hardly cook, my house is messier than usual, and I have resorted to cartoons for SJ because most days I can’t get off the couch. That leads to a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt for putting my family in this situation, and guilty for the feelings I have towards being pregnant – guilt that I hate being pregnant.

I don’t like having to rely on others for help. I feel terrible asking my mom or mother-in-law to watch SJ because I just cannot move that day. Or I need to get something done, but can’t handle entertaining her and getting it done because my energy is completely gone.

And then the guilt really comes in because I did this to myself. Well, kind of. DJ and I tried for this baby; we knew I was going to be sick, and we knew it was going to be hard. We have the most amazing family ever that I know are happy to help, but all I have felt so far this pregnancy is guilt, which has made me hate pregnancy even more.

Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon excited for this baby and all the joy it will bring to our lives. But, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I simply hate being pregnant, and that’s okay, because it doesn’t mean that I hate my baby, don’t want my baby, or that I am ungrateful for this experience.

I know many people don’t get to experience this, and my heart breaks for them. I know too many that are affected by infertility, so that makes me feel even more guilt. Telling the ones I love that I was pregnant that are suffering or have suffered infertility was one of the first things that came to my mind after I got that positive test. I immediately felt awful that I was pregnant – I didn’t know how to tell them. And now I feel terrible that I don’t like being pregnant when that’s all they want.

But I have to remove myself from their experiences, because this is my experience – and for me at this moment, it is terrible. It is a different level, it is not a worse level than what others are going through, it’s just different. There is always someone out there going through something worse than you, but that doesn’t mean that for you, at this point, it isn’t still terrible to go through. It’s like saying someone can’t be sad that their pet of 16 years passed away simply because they have a friend that had a person in their life pass away.

While yes, it is definitely completely different situations, you both deserve the right to be sad, to go through levels of grief. It does not invalidate one person’s feelings simply because one situation is a different experience. They are just that; different.

But my hatred for being pregnant also stems from the fact that I didn’t have the best experience with my pregnancy the first time around. To put it in a simple nutshell: 6 weeks to 22 weeks I was incredibly sick and could barely eat. 22 weeks to 27 weeks were great (except that ear infection that put me in the hospital with dehydration)! At 27 weeks to 36 weeks I went into preterm labor, was in the hospital – for 2 weeks of which we weren’t sure what was going to happen to our daughter or to me – was at home on bedrest for 7 weeks, and then got released. 36 weeks to 38 weeks I felt awful because I was huge and hadn’t been allowed to move for the past 9 weeks. I had trouble getting around and was very impatient after being told the baby would be here any day.

I can tell you one of the first thoughts I had in the moments after SJ was born was “Thank God I’m not pregnant anymore!” It was the first time I really admitted to myself that I hated being pregnant.

It took me 3 months, but I knew with this pregnancy I wouldn’t love it and I would have to be okay with it. It took me 3 months to be okay with it. But I am.

I love my daughter, I love the baby growing in my belly, I love my husband, I love my family, but I do not love being pregnant. And that’s okay.

The Message Mama