Before you automatically think I am the worst mom on the planet, read through until the end, I promise it will make sense why my husband comes before my kids. Or in other words, why my marriage comes before my kids. It’s a difficult mindset, but a mindset that ultimately has my family’s best interests in mind.
But before we start with that, there’s one other thing that needs to be set straight, why God comes before my husband.
The LORD says, “I will teach you the way you should go; I will instruct you and advise you.”
Psalm 32: 8
The priorities of my heart go in the order of God, my husband, my kids. Because ultimately, that order puts everyone’s best interests at heart. I am not talking about ignoring one for the other, I am talking about building one relationship to be the strongest it can be, so that the others have a rock solid foundation to stand on and grow.
When I grow my relationship with God, I see how every other aspect of my life becomes not easier, but clearer. It’s like when I’m sick and everything just seems foggy and as if I can only see what is right in-front of me, but once I start to feel better everything becomes clear and I see everything around me. That is what having a strong relationship with God does for me. It makes my relationship with my husband and kids clear, and I can see the big picture rather than just what is happening in front of me. And just like when I start to feel better from being sick, I feel stronger. I am able to be a stronger wife and mother because I have put God first. God guides me. If I were to put DJ first, and put God on the back burner, my faith would dwindle and the purpose of our marriage would go out of focus and ultimately our relationship would crumble, because there would be no strong foundation.
Instead, be concerned above everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what he requires of you, and he will provide you with all these other things.
Matthew 6: 33
Just as my relationship with God is a strong foundation for my marriage, my marriage is a strong foundation for my children. Whenever the saying “my husband comes first” came to mind, I always pictured the scenario of my husband and my child hanging off a cliff and I could only save one, who would I choose? But that is not what this mindset is about. This mindset is about making it so I can save both of them.
I want DJ and I’s marriage to be a goal for SJ and AJ (#marriagegoals). I want them to see us as one. As their parents, not as just mom and dad.
Have you ever seen the little game about why the wedding ring goes on your ring finger? You put your fingertips together, then bend your middle fingers and put the knuckles together. Your thumbs represent your relationship with your parents, your index fingers with your siblings, your middle finger with yourself, your ring finger with your spouse and your pinky fingers with your kids. If you go one by one and pull each set apart, they all separate except for your ring fingers, they won’t separate. The idea behind this has always stuck with me. You eventually will part with your parents and siblings as you start your own family, and your kids will do the same when they grow up, but your spouse is your forever.
DJ is who is always there for me, he’s my best friend. I always hear of couples who start struggling when their kids are grown because they put their kids first for so long. I don’t want that! I want to show my girls what a strong and healthy marriage looks like, something to strive for. If DJ and I have a strong relationship, then we can have not only a strong relationship with our girls, but as a whole family. We are literally the foundation of our family, if we have cracks, how can we expect our family to be held together?
Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
1 Corinthians 13: 7
By always working on our relationship, by putting him first, he knows that I am always there for him, even when I am with SJ. Because at the stage our family is at, our kids need me physically more than DJ does. He knows that it is okay though, and it won’t be like this forever, but he also knows that at the end of the day, no matter how tired I am from chasing SJ and being increasingly uncomfortable as AJ grows inside of me, I will always make sure he knows how much he means to me.
When I know he is okay, and when I know he and I are okay, I know our family is okay. If he and I have problems, it creates a crack in the foundation of our family. Which usually shows up in my heart as anger, anger towards him, towards the kids. It makes everything foggy and I can only see what is right in front of me. I don’t see how my anger towards what is going on in that foundation is affecting SJ. If she and AJ constantly see those cracks, see that mommy and daddy fight (and with kids it is usually over something that isn’t being agreed on that has to do with the kids), or that mommy and daddy don’t work together, they won’t be able to stand confidently, and they will worry about falling into the cracks, they will worry about making them bigger. That is something I NEVER want my girls to worry about. I put my husband first so that my kids don’t have to worry about doing something that will hurt us, whether they realize that is why that feel like that or not. This is why I do everything I can to work with DJ to make sure our relationship is rock solid, so that our girls know that we are always going to be there for them as one.
Just as if I were to put DJ before God and have my faith fade causing our marriage to crumble, if I put the girls before DJ it would cause he and I’s relationship would falter, which would in turn cause our entire family to crumble. These priorities in my heart go in this order for a reason. The preceding relationship will make the next one stronger. It is not about choosing who you would save on the cliff, it is about knowing that you can save your husband first and together you are strong enough to save your child.
