I’m not one of those moms who will tell you how amazing pregnancy is, how I just love it, I love the pregnancy glow, and so on and so forth. Because as terrible as this makes me sound…
I hate being pregnant.
Especially the first trimester (and part of the second trimester), because I get sick and feel like I’m not even human most of the time. And then after the sickness fades a bit, I don’t like the feeling it gives me then either.
I will say that I’m incredibly lucky that I don’t get as sick as a lot of people (although it seems like almost every person I talk to hasn’t been as sick as I am). It runs in the family. My mom had hyperemesis gravidarum with both my brother and I, and many of the women on that side of my family get extremely ill with pregnancies. And while I know how lucky I am, it doesn’t make the sickness and pain I have go away.
My morning sickness isn’t like the usual morning sickness, since I don’t throw up. But oh how I wish I could! Maybe then that feeling in the back of my throat (you know, the one that’s there 24/7) will go away for just a short period of time. With SJ I threw up a few times, but I haven’t thrown up at all with this pregnancy. I just have trouble eating, can smell everything which makes the nausea even worse, and have almost fallen asleep in front of the toilet on many occasions because the feeling in my throat got so bad it actually tricked me into thinking I would finally get some relief.
This constant feeling, has turned me into a shell of the wife and mother that I was. I can hardly cook, my house is messier than usual, and I have resorted to cartoons for SJ because most days I can’t get off the couch. That leads to a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt for putting my family in this situation, and guilty for the feelings I have towards being pregnant – guilt that I hate being pregnant.
I don’t like having to rely on others for help. I feel terrible asking my mom or mother-in-law to watch SJ because I just cannot move that day. Or I need to get something done, but can’t handle entertaining her and getting it done because my energy is completely gone.
And then the guilt really comes in because I did this to myself. Well, kind of. DJ and I tried for this baby; we knew I was going to be sick, and we knew it was going to be hard. We have the most amazing family ever that I know are happy to help, but all I have felt so far this pregnancy is guilt, which has made me hate pregnancy even more.
Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon excited for this baby and all the joy it will bring to our lives. But, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I simply hate being pregnant, and that’s okay, because it doesn’t mean that I hate my baby, don’t want my baby, or that I am ungrateful for this experience.
I know many people don’t get to experience this, and my heart breaks for them. I know too many that are affected by infertility, so that makes me feel even more guilt. Telling the ones I love that I was pregnant that are suffering or have suffered infertility was one of the first things that came to my mind after I got that positive test. I immediately felt awful that I was pregnant – I didn’t know how to tell them. And now I feel terrible that I don’t like being pregnant when that’s all they want.
But I have to remove myself from their experiences, because this is my experience – and for me at this moment, it is terrible. It is a different level, it is not a worse level than what others are going through, it’s just different. There is always someone out there going through something worse than you, but that doesn’t mean that for you, at this point, it isn’t still terrible to go through. It’s like saying someone can’t be sad that their pet of 16 years passed away simply because they have a friend that had a person in their life pass away.
While yes, it is definitely completely different situations, you both deserve the right to be sad, to go through levels of grief. It does not invalidate one person’s feelings simply because one situation is a different experience. They are just that; different.
But my hatred for being pregnant also stems from the fact that I didn’t have the best experience with my pregnancy the first time around. To put it in a simple nutshell: 6 weeks to 22 weeks I was incredibly sick and could barely eat. 22 weeks to 27 weeks were great (except that ear infection that put me in the hospital with dehydration)! At 27 weeks to 36 weeks I went into preterm labor, was in the hospital – for 2 weeks of which we weren’t sure what was going to happen to our daughter or to me – was at home on bedrest for 7 weeks, and then got released. 36 weeks to 38 weeks I felt awful because I was huge and hadn’t been allowed to move for the past 9 weeks. I had trouble getting around and was very impatient after being told the baby would be here any day.
I can tell you one of the first thoughts I had in the moments after SJ was born was “Thank God I’m not pregnant anymore!” It was the first time I really admitted to myself that I hated being pregnant.
It took me 3 months, but I knew with this pregnancy I wouldn’t love it and I would have to be okay with it. It took me 3 months to be okay with it. But I am.
I love my daughter, I love the baby growing in my belly, I love my husband, I love my family, but I do not love being pregnant. And that’s okay.